It's coming to fruition..

After what seems like my entire lifetime of waiting...it's gonna happen! Surgery! Of the Orthogantic variety.

A little on the surgery... it is a surgery to "create straight jaws" in the literal meaning of orthognathic surgery. It is usually undertaken to improve both the function and appearance of the upper and lower jaws, the teeth and the facial appearance as a whole. Once a problem has been identified a referral can be made and the patient assessed fully by both a Maxillofacial Surgeon and an Orthodontist. This initial assessment will involve a full history and examination. Usually radiographic examination of the of the face and jaws with either x-rays or CT scans, impressions of the teeth and clinical photographs are undertaken for records and for undertaking cephalometrics (skull radiographic measurements).

Once tooth alignment has been achieved, insurance has given an approval, a final surgical plan is made between the maxillofacial surgeon and the orthodontist. Impressions of the teeth are undertaken and the surgeon has developed a surgical plan, the planned surgery is simulated on the models of the teeth. This allows acrylic splints to be made which allow the surgeon to correctly position the teeth at the time of surgery. The surgeon will reposition the jawbones in accordance with your specific needs. In some cases, bone may be added, taken away or reshaped (my lower will be added to, and the upped removed some) Surgical plates, screws, wires and rubber bands may be used to hold your jaws in their new positions. Incisions are usually made inside the mouth to reduce visible scarring; however, some cases do require small incisions outside of the mouth (mine will have 2 small barley visible hole of either side of my head)  

Diagram of the surgery

Quick history on how this all came about...

During my childhood, my teeth were not pretty, at the age of eight, I had my first mouth appliance, and heard the words for the first time " she's gonna need surgery". At the time I didn't know what that meant (I never worn the damn mouth piece anyway...it didn't help) after that, my mother never did put me in braces.  I  was selfish and bitter about this. Her being a single parent, I can understand why now, but boy, the little things that come to make a difference! Enduring the teasing my entire life about being a horse, or a beaver, and a whole other mess of names was brutal. Elementarily and first part of middle school it was "The Beaver". Rest of middle school it was "Mr. Ed the Horse". This was awful,  I mean horribly so, I didn't smile a lot, I had issues trusting people, and was always so sensitive to people teasing me. There was one boy who made fun of me more then any other, Scott Martin (I hate that boy to this day).  High school was not much better, but I grew boobs, so that at least worked in my favor! Looking back though, it was unpleasant. Not to mention the main issues,alignment of the teeth that creates uneven jaw size that bite issues form from (that wear your teeth down, and cause pain), headaches, jaw muscle and jaw joint problems and speech difficulties.

Throughout my later teenage years, and early 20's I saw several surgeons and orthodontists and discussed what my options were. Surprising many of them had different ideas, one thought just braces would fix it (LOL...right), some thought one jaw only needed done, many thought both. Having both jaws done was the way I knew I needed to go, since there is a high chance of relapse when you only work on one. I'm not taking any chances...both or none.  



When in my middle 20's I decided to fully do something about it, I got my first round of braces. I went through all the steps (there are MANY steps) by checking my insurance out, finding the right doctor and a orthodontist that I trusted. I had to wear the braces for 2 years for the alignment of my teeth to be in position for surgery. I did this. Turns out my orthodontist was a flake. Also, with the government pushing health care on us for everyone, and insurance companies making quite a few changes, the insurance policy I had for years dropped me...FAIL! All that planning down the drain for surgery then. So I had the braces removed, had a quick ass smile, and started a new job--one with insurance that I had to wait another year to have the surgery.


At this point, I was having all kinds of dental problems, this is direct relation to how and where I bite down as I chew ( I have like 4-5 different bites) it was destorying my teeth. So I had a huge amount of costly and painful dental work done, and made the choice to try all of this surgery shenanigans again. The braces put on in the fall (again), had a tooth removed, more dental work, and met with a few different surgeons.  Thankfully this time around my orthodontist has rocked, the first surgeon that did my crown lengthening and tooth extraction, couldn't do the surgery as planned. (gotta love insurance), but I found another one after a few more consultations.


So at this very point I received (yay!) the pre-approval from the insurance and I am playing the waiting game for the final surgery date!

Reasonably Unreasonable...and a little insane!

I started this blog to help me through a difficult time in my life and pour out all the left over things that float through my head. My current existence on this planet has proven to be somewhat of a challenge for me. I feel like a juggler with way to may balls in the air to keep going with this act. An act, this is what this is...it has to be. I normally feel confident, self-assured, and like one bad-ass bitch when it comes to getting tasks done that I set my mind too.--Lately...not so much. I'm stretched thin across the board, overloaded, stressed and wondering how I am even still standing. Getting a house ready, working full-time, working part-time on my eBay, setting up all my surgical appointments, getting ready to move, and still trying to fit friends in-- is almost impossible. It feels like a shell of me getting up and going through the motions. I dare say that an unfeeling robot Jen has taken over, and will remain there until things slow down. Oh, I'm putting a wedding shower together at work too (as if I have the time). It all for a greater cause though...I am going to happier after all of this...right?

Highlights...I have amazing friends and family that are helping with the house. A friend inviting me to dinner was a simple pleasure that kept me sane last night for a a few hours. Of course, I can't have a melt down in front of someone...they will know I'm human and feel way to much sometimes. Frustration and lack of manners of the people putting in the flooring might send me over the edge too. I have manners, I respect people who have manners, I tolerate those who don't, but when you start fucking with time tables, I can't always promise I will keep myself in check. Thus far, I have. I feel slightly insane though. Alas, I will continue with my act, and hope no one notices the melt down on the inside. At the very least Ikea was a relaxing adventure, and tonight I am taking the night off.

On a side note: I found in some of my friendships lately to value someone's honesty, openness, and thoughtfulness...not to mention manners. It made a small difference to me, and that's worth noting.

"I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."  Maya Angelou

Another point

"We need to give each other the space to grow, to be ourselves, to exercise our diversity. We need to give each other space so that we may both give and receive such beautiful things as ideas, openness, dignity, joy, healing, and inclusion."

Another mile marker passed today. One that was long on the horizon but seemed forever to reach. I am coming to a point in a journey that has been long awaited for a conclusion. This is a scary, horrifying, and nerve-racking adventure that  I am hoping will have the end results that I want. That being said...many thoughts occurred to me during this whole process, I need to dump out and sort through it...

Perfection seems to be something most people strive for, I am certainly no different. Much like the first bowls of porridge Goldilocks tired, life seems to play out in my own mind that things can be "perfect" in the manner that is close to what I am looking for, but never quite just right.  This used to drive me crazy...enter control freak mode, and learning to deal with the curve balls life throws at you. (not everything is perfect or going to be done your way) I used to stress out and get frustrated, now I can roll with just about anything, if I just have a moment to process the change going on. For me now, pefection in my own life is at least trying be the best I can, and if I fail, but I tried, I can live with that. There are ways I still learn everyday to cope with not being the best I can be all the time...but still have to realize,  I am only human (that is okay to be that way).  I  tend to look at life as a machine with each widget, gear, and cog playing it's parts to make the whole run smoothly. Stable environments, a home, family, friends, activities, job, and maybe someday a husband and kids (or maybe not) these are easy goals. Things I want and should be able to maintain and have. BUT...

Upon serious reflection on my own life. I am coming to terms with a number of unresolved issues, and trying to overcome major insecurities. This not something to tackle all at once...but it helps to think it over some. There are many forms of perfection. I started this writing thinking about looks, but found a little deeper meaning in thinking it over more and relating it to life.

"Love one another and help others to rise to the higher levels, simply by pouring out love. Love is infectious and the greatest healing energy."

Making me think...

Did you know that those who appear to be very strong, often are the most sensitive?
Did you know that those who spend all their time taking care of others, can be the one that needs to be taken care of?
Did you know that the three things that are hardest to say are: I love you, I'm sorry, and Help me!
 

I saw this on a status on Facebook on Wednesday, and I wanted to remember it. It really struck a nerve...relating in some surprising fashions.

Dancing a little dance...

This week it feels like fall. I love it! Something about this time of year with the end of summer, and the promise of the holidays not far off makes me a little more focused on life. So many changes in the works, hard to find the time to do them all, although, they must be done. A biggie is the dancing lessons... Woo-hoo! I finally started...and it was amusing to say the least. I fumbled part of the class, stepped on Phil's toes, but managed to pull it out at the end and get the first steps of the waltz down. Bonus! Open dance Friday night, should be a good time. Light on my toes, I might be just yet. More practice afterward at the bar. HA! Only to crack up, and a reason to have another drink. Hey, after all, someone played me a song and I was in good company! A over-whelming feeling of happiness struck me as I was coming home last night, and all I could do was smile. Been traveling down that long road in memory lane a lot lately, and there are many good ones in there. There are bad, but focusing beyond that is helping. Coming to terms with life is a constant struggle. Wishing others well, even now. I still hope for the best for people. Life is hard enough without wishing bad things on others. If something happens, it is always good to remember it happened, and take what lessons you can from it. Creating new and happy memories has kept me together, and even pushed me forward. Good things come to those who wait. This is for sure.

non è possibile cambiare il passato

So looking back, I realize what a jackass I was. Great. Life is truly not a fairytale no matter how much you want it to be. I have this sign over my door that reads..."It's never to late to live happily ever after." I believe that, but I think it needs context. Defining what that context is for myself is a work in progress. Getting over the past is something I need to work on. I guess I am trying, I am not dwelling, just keep remembering. Wish I could turn that off! I keep thinking... I lost so many years of my life to something that did not turn out for the the best...guess what? I didn't, that is a pity party line!

I lived my life, I was myself, and I gave a really great try to something that FAILED. I can deal with that. What makes me happy has not changed. I am simple when it comes to really getting excited about something... less disappointment when you find joy in the things you can make happen for yourself. The reality of life is that when you put to much stock in others to deliver your happiness, they are going to fail. They are going to hurt you, they are going to put their needs first. As they should. I am guilty of it, who isn't? I have always known that people disappoint, I hate to do that to someone. But that's just life. I give and I take. I hurt and have been hurt. I wouldn't trade those experiences for anything. It made me a better, stronger and more open-minded person...

But the ugly bitter side of me is hateful and angry sometimes that it was wasted. I made that life, and have to live with the aftermath of it. However it plays out...I choose now to see the sliver lining the best I can. Guess I am lucky it is just me, no kids to fuck up, that is a bonus. Talking about children today, I realized I love them, the idea of a family. I do, but there's a reason I haven't had them. Looking at the odd relationship I have with my own parents. I just don't think it is for me, weird to say that out loud again, but maybe it isn't a deal breaker after all. Whose to say really. I thought a lot of things... only to see that it was smoke and mirrors. I guess answers will come in time. I cannot change the past, but I am unsteady about the future still. Wish it were easier sometimes...White knight to save the day...LOL. Only to resent him! Ha! Reality. Love it always.

Life

I am wildly independent and very strong-willed. I believe in doing things for yourself and making something out of nothing. (Not that this applies to all areas of my life, nor do I hold anyone else to these same ideas and/or standards.) I am giving to a fault...I hear someone needs something, if I happen to have it, I will gladly part with it. After all it’s just stuff. I love to help people if I am able, and I do not need anything in return. Helping others seems to make me happy. (I still try and figure out why this is.) I have known many people to try and take advantage of this. I do not stand for it that is one of those angry buttons that is easy to push with me. Sometimes I tend to overdo things I take on, because I am capable of doing it well and that still surprises me. I thrive on my strengths and play on them. This scares some, motivates others, and there is a handful that just watches and wonders.
I heard more times this week that I am an Overachiever, more than I ever heard in my life. Actually, I have never heard that. I have been described as Determined, Motivated, Free Thinker, Intelligent, Independent…& a few others. Overachiever? Who me? Never.
Or am I? Turns out they might be right. I looked it up:
“Overachiever: one who achieves success over and above the standard or expected level especially at an early age. The labels are based on a static and incomplete understanding of the nature of intelligence. The ability to concentrate to work in a dedicated manner cannot be separated from a person's "native" or "raw" intelligence in any meaningfully testable way.”
I would not have pegged myself that way, but if I am going to do something, I hate to do it half way. So yeah, guess I am. Not such a bad thing, but still makes me cringe and/or twitch. It is still hard to hear positive and encouraging feedback about myself, a lesson still in the works there. What a big change from what I listened to for so many years. Makes me run for the psychology books even faster! That little hobby is something that has paid off in dealing with a mentally ill (straight crazy) person for nearly a decade. Looking for answers to questions about myself that end up leading more to answer to others reactions to things, and how to deal with them. Mind Fuck MUCH! So very glad that is over and done with! Although, this week added another chapter to what I thought was a finished tale.
It begins with a nice quiet couple of weeks of not hearing from him at all, then the email, quick phone call at work on Monday. Manage to make it to Wednesday afternoon before I had to think anything about it again. Standing in the bank after having to take the worlds latest lunch I'm playing with my droid…Facebook email comes in from a longtime friend (that was friends with both him and I). I knew he had been a good friend and reached out and let ****** stay with him recently, so I have been avoiding any type of contact as to avoid any issues. Well, this was the email of all emails for the day.
“I’m not trying to get you involved nor would I mention your name but ******* in a bad way right now, worse than ever…. he pulled his gun on me over making ****** leave the house i was letting him stay at then proceeded to pistol whip me and rob me.”
So well, just yeah. Standing in the middle of the bank I start to feel sick, of course I threw up. Panic attack much-- a little one. I proceed to leave work and started talking to this friend (to make sure he’s ok) and then hear the whole sordid story… which made me sick again. The basic facts are that people are being threatened and I am slightly in fear of my safety again. Great! Just what I need. So, by Friday after a couple more calls to the officer I have been talking too, I have grounds for a RO, because thankfully the friend called the police and had a police report. This is horrible for my friend (I might add the friend is ok) but shows he’s violent.
Downfall side note to Friday …it was a long day for the amount of time I was at work. I woke up that morning choking on my own coughs and feeling like a truck hit me, I cannot call off because the phones needed to STILL be covered and no one likes to do it (can’t blame them), so I worked half a day, then went to the doctor’s office. Well that was no picnic either, I ended up with three shots in the ass (quicker to feel better I am told) and getting blood drawn. MEH...all around.
I come home to foul emails from him, and I knew he called up to work before I had left. Last straw, after months of stupid harassment I called and had an officer come out and make another report. Only this time, they told me because of his earlier actions in the week, I will get what I need. So any phone calls, emails, or whatever else--he can be arrested for. Thanks goodness! Woo-hoo! There is going to be some sort of fall out when they serve him I know, but that strong willed person will deal. Probably buy another psych book, I still do not understand. Probably never will. People.

Food for my thoughts...

Hmmmmmm... We all, I think, want to be loved, cared about, and to know that we are special to someone. Many times we can be with other people in relationships of all kinds (friends, lovers, marriage, family even) and still miss this feeling of belonging with someone. Having love for someone is not the same as being loved by that same person when you still feel utterly alone. (at least for me) I spent way to long trying to figure that one out...overkill on that thought. Only conclusion I got...I want someone I can be happy with, who likes all nutty things about me, makes me laugh, and challenges my thinking, calls me out when I am wrong, lives a life with me, but still has one of their own. Someone one who is like me, but different, someone who wants more in life, but wants to work to get it. Funny, kindness, music, books, goals, dreams, are the simplest of wants, but damn, seems a little hard to find. I guess patience is a good lesson to remember here.

How many times in the last ten years of my life have I just gotten up and did the robot routine? I did learn patience that way. Countless times, everyday for years. Not because I didn't feel, because I settled for something that was not the right thing for me and had to think that, was going to be it, so deal with it. I still right now -- am wondering if there is a person out there that I can get along with, tolerate without going crazy. Silly moods strike me at times, and I have no idea which way is up or down, or even where thoughts are going, until the problem has seem to work itself out in my own head. Most thoughts are mixed and jumbled up into a rambling mess. I start wondering if I just shouldn't go run and hide, and not come back out. Social as I am and can be, there are little moments when I rather snuggle up with a good book, or watch a marathon of the same damn shows all day long. What a insane mix of one extreme to another I am...but making it work all the same, in the happy middle. Little bit of the left brain, little bit of the right, certainly a healthy mix of that overlap!  Ugh. I like it, but I don't. I like people, but I don't. I want a relationship...but I really don't. Dating...No sir. Not fond of that either, finding I am more prone to cancel about an hour before out of nerves and just not wanting to deal. This is for no one and everyone. This is for me to remember, to say it is ok to be picky and know why. I can be alone too, sometimes prefer it, but it is nice to dream about something special.