Struggle

I struggle to be that person, that image of a good person who always does the right thing. I don't. I am flawed. I am human. I do wrong. I do so much right that I feel it tries to over compensate for the person that I am inside. I can't always like everyone, every day, I just don't have it in me. I started this blog to help me heal, to grow, to remember. To start something that made me feel and remember those times that are so easily overlooked. How easy it is to just not feel, to let go of everything and self destruct. You don't mean to...but you do. To hurt the the people you love the most, not intentionally, but as a by-product of one's own emotional insecurities. It sucks. I am sometimes locked so deeply in my own emotional well being, I forget that other people feel too. Downward spiral, the battle of wills against myself. Strong-willed, but not strong enough just to let go, to move on and put myself in a better place, not a bitter place. That bitter place is a place I know well and deeply.

How often do we forget that we are not the center of the world...or the universe.

When the world we live in is based around everything that makes up a person...work, school, friends, family, it is all about perception and how much we can tolerate from others. Gibberish and everything that seems to make sense in the world--is always in the one moment of clarity. Time it does heal all wounds, and makes us forget the woes of the past, and yearn for the days that made us the most happy. --I think. It is almost to easy to forget to look at what we have in front of us, and not take it for granted. It's so damn easy just to not feel anything at all and go through life. We lose so much that way. But yet...we still go on.

I wake up every day and wonder what I have done with my life and if it was enough, but it will ever will be enough. I miss so very much, but yet at the same time I am thankful it's gone. What a paradox. Split mind. Yes.

I think I am so happy, but yet I am still unhappy. That is life. You are the only person that can make yourself happy. Truly happy. I wish I had all the answers...or at least some of them. No matter how many books I read, or people I know, there is only some questions that are really answered.

Frank Sinatra, My Way, With Lyrics

Something to chew on.

As I was driving home tonight thinking about life, several thoughts occurred to me, I decided I wanted to remember some of these. This line of thinking was geared more for my love life.  Few ideas on the one in a million person out there who will get me, and be the person to just blow my mind. These are the deal breakers.

Serious love of music. Whether it's playing it or just a serious music appreciation. Diversity is key, loving different types, and having love for the beauty in it.

Very like minded, similar ways of thinking, ideas, and understanding. Ahhh... but the catch, but different enough in the way that keeps my attention. I don't want or need someone just like me. Just someone who gets it.

Excellent sense of silly, insane, goofy humor. I like the odd ball things, and laugh at things only a few would get and laugh at. I like to laugh, but I love to laugh with someone else who is laughing for the same reason.

They must read, and enjoy doing so. It's one of my favorite things ever, a love to share with someone else. Being introduced to new material, or have someone open to new material. Excellent. 


Surprise me,very few people ever do.. It really isn't hard. Remembering those little things about me, details. The kind that catches me off guard...that someone was paying attention when I wasn't.
 
Someone who works for what they have. Nope, don't need my drive or ambition, but they need to want some more for themselves and not take it at others expenses.

Don't expect me to want anything from them. I can take care of myself just fine. But to want to give me something. That's different. Not petty or even material things, I don't need someone to buy me anything. Again covered. Sweet, thoughtful, not closed off to me, it's amazing how big a difference that makes.

Intelligence. Communication. Common sense. Kindness. Manners, Straight forwardness, honesty, and some serious integrity.

More gibberish to wash out of my head, move on to something else. Just a few note worthy thoughts to myself. To love the chase, the romance, and happy fairytale ending, it's a fun idea. I have that desire to want more with someone, for the long-term. I am not so much on thinking I need to find it. Things have seemed to find me all on it's own quite well.  One in a million sounds about right.

More things I've learned

• Yoga is a great form of stretching and relaxation. I can bend in ways that I could not before.
• I love the feel of silk and satin on my skin. 
• I am really good at managing the hours in the day, especially when most days, there are not enough to fit it all in.
• I have so many friends that are unique and wonderful, that they make all the difference in my life.
• I love to go bike riding on Saturday mornings on the path. I look forward to it.
• I still like quiet nights at home.
• I can drive a forklift.
• I can drink "Old Crow" bourbon like a champ.
• Dating is super fun, most of the time. Except for long nose hair. Gross.
• I can hit the ball straighter and sorta where it needs to go in golf. Improvement.
• Swing dancing and waltz's are something else I can do.  
• I still love to watch movies. 
• I am reading the best books, and understanding so much more with the right verbage.
• I fully endorse the "shake-weight".
• I wake up happy most days.

A Lesson.

"I figure, you know, if you treat people right, you can only hope that they treat you right. It's as simple as it gets in this complicated world."

 There are moments and choices to where a person comes to a crossroad in life. One must stand back and look down the road  traveled, to decide where that direction is to take them forward.  Looking at the hard lessons learned, in vain, not to repeat them, and try to grow from them. Finding  a way to face the challenges before him with a balance within, to live a better life, and grow as a person. Life is an endless journey of tragedy, sorrow, joy, pain, and happiness. Nothing is ever written in stone, and can be forgiven in time, but not to be repeated. Making everything better all at once is a temporary fix, it will dull the pain, but it will not solve all the issues. They will resurface, they will still need to be dealt with. Having enough inner strength to face all of life's challenges takes time, it takes practice. Being happy with one's self is hard and not always easy. Nothing is ever perfect, but it can be balanced and manged, even in one's darkest hour. Courage, strength, and laughter are the keys that provide a stable foundation to which a better life can be found. Even if it is down the road not yet traveled. 

Life

I am wildly independent and very strong-willed. I believe in doing things for yourself and making something out of nothing. (Not that this applies to all areas of my life, nor do I hold anyone else to these same ideas and/or standards.) I am giving to a fault...I hear someone needs something, if I happen to have it, I will gladly part with it. After all it’s just stuff. I love to help people if I am able, and I do not need anything in return. Helping others seems to make me happy. (I still try and figure out why this is.) I have known many people to try and take advantage of this. I do not stand for it that is one of those angry buttons that is easy to push with me. Sometimes I tend to overdo things I take on, because I am capable of doing it well and that still surprises me. I thrive on my strengths and play on them. This scares some, motivates others, and there is a handful that just watches and wonders.
I heard more times this week that I am an Overachiever, more than I ever heard in my life. Actually, I have never heard that. I have been described as Determined, Motivated, Free Thinker, Intelligent, Independent…& a few others. Overachiever? Who me? Never.
Or am I? Turns out they might be right. I looked it up:
“Overachiever: one who achieves success over and above the standard or expected level especially at an early age. The labels are based on a static and incomplete understanding of the nature of intelligence. The ability to concentrate to work in a dedicated manner cannot be separated from a person's "native" or "raw" intelligence in any meaningfully testable way.”
I would not have pegged myself that way, but if I am going to do something, I hate to do it half way. So yeah, guess I am. Not such a bad thing, but still makes me cringe and/or twitch. It is still hard to hear positive and encouraging feedback about myself, a lesson still in the works there. What a big change from what I listened to for so many years. Makes me run for the psychology books even faster! That little hobby is something that has paid off in dealing with a mentally ill (straight crazy) person for nearly a decade. Looking for answers to questions about myself that end up leading more to answer to others reactions to things, and how to deal with them. Mind Fuck MUCH! So very glad that is over and done with! Although, this week added another chapter to what I thought was a finished tale.
It begins with a nice quiet couple of weeks of not hearing from him at all, then the email, quick phone call at work on Monday. Manage to make it to Wednesday afternoon before I had to think anything about it again. Standing in the bank after having to take the worlds latest lunch I'm playing with my droid…Facebook email comes in from a longtime friend (that was friends with both him and I). I knew he had been a good friend and reached out and let ****** stay with him recently, so I have been avoiding any type of contact as to avoid any issues. Well, this was the email of all emails for the day.
“I’m not trying to get you involved nor would I mention your name but ******* in a bad way right now, worse than ever…. he pulled his gun on me over making ****** leave the house i was letting him stay at then proceeded to pistol whip me and rob me.”
So well, just yeah. Standing in the middle of the bank I start to feel sick, of course I threw up. Panic attack much-- a little one. I proceed to leave work and started talking to this friend (to make sure he’s ok) and then hear the whole sordid story… which made me sick again. The basic facts are that people are being threatened and I am slightly in fear of my safety again. Great! Just what I need. So, by Friday after a couple more calls to the officer I have been talking too, I have grounds for a RO, because thankfully the friend called the police and had a police report. This is horrible for my friend (I might add the friend is ok) but shows he’s violent.
Downfall side note to Friday …it was a long day for the amount of time I was at work. I woke up that morning choking on my own coughs and feeling like a truck hit me, I cannot call off because the phones needed to STILL be covered and no one likes to do it (can’t blame them), so I worked half a day, then went to the doctor’s office. Well that was no picnic either, I ended up with three shots in the ass (quicker to feel better I am told) and getting blood drawn. MEH...all around.
I come home to foul emails from him, and I knew he called up to work before I had left. Last straw, after months of stupid harassment I called and had an officer come out and make another report. Only this time, they told me because of his earlier actions in the week, I will get what I need. So any phone calls, emails, or whatever else--he can be arrested for. Thanks goodness! Woo-hoo! There is going to be some sort of fall out when they serve him I know, but that strong willed person will deal. Probably buy another psych book, I still do not understand. Probably never will. People.

That feeling

I shudder at the mere thought of someone getting under my skin again. To stir up deep feelings that I do not know how to handle, without serious control in place. Happy Neutral Face…Death grip on control ensues…

I would almost be embarrassed, had people not been so supportive and telling me it is not me. It is hard not to feel insecure and tiny. I was good, I was caring to a point that all of this brings me to my knees, I loved and never once cheated. Nor was I perfect, I learned valuable lessons, but I know I can love, trust and be that person to lean on for someone else. There is something to be said for that. I am not bitter, just tired of the heartache. Know me, like me, love me, or don't. I will be loyal to the ones in my life who are just there to be there.

I would rather be neutral and quiet with what is going on in my heart. I share what I can, when I can. Questions often rattle around in my brain without being answered…stresses form and take over, to be forced to be forgotten about. Most recently many forms of Grass helps to dull it away. Does this really help? No, but I can try. Constantly being busy buys me the time to not think about it. So asking and asking is so very annoying, but it is just a distraction to larger problems at hand. Sitting down…reading, thinking, drinking, making and being with new friends are the simple things that make me the happiest.

Dating…it is just a distraction, getting away from the serious craziness that I do not even participate in, but am in the middle of. How long am I supposed to be punished and hurt? Is it fair? No, of course not. Having a crush…keeps me distracted in a silly way, going on dates entertains me. It is all a great idea, but still does not mean I am going to be ready for all the rest. Baby steps. Getting to know great and interesting people.

Finding the creative outlet I love so dearly in Music-- has saved me. Touching a place so deep in me…I just might have a soul. There are no words to describe what it does. Surrounding me like a big hug… telling me, "It will be okay." I need that. Tonight is going to be a reason to get up tomorrow… Music. Something beautiful.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."