Nerves

19 days 21 hours. So long, but feels almost not long enough. I am nervous. REALLY nervous. March 29th is the date that has been set for the surgery. Since I last wrote, the weeks are going by at wrap speed, and I feel like I have so much more to do to prepare.  My stomach is in knots, I'm not sleeping right, I have constant headaches, and my mind doesn't shut down. Work has been tense, which just adds on the the giant pile of stress, but that's an easy one to manage, it's just work. Overall though, I'm scared, serious thoughts plagued me almost every hour on the hour--

What if I come out with looking deformed? 
Anesthesia...I need to know more. 4-7 hours in surgery is a long time.
Weight. Will I lose too much...or not enough?
Eating. I like to eat. I'm not the best person to put stuff together and make "healthy" drinks.
Talking. I think it will work...right?
Work...well we are all stressed enough. Will they find some way to railroad me out? (looking as a backup)
Will this solve the issues I have...i.e. is this even worth it?
What the hell am I going to look like right after surgery...screws in my face...Frankenstein Jeni style!
And when the hell can I get these braces off my teeth?
They. Are. Going. To. Cut. The. Bottom. Of. My. Face. Off!

Mentally, I think I tell myself I am ready, good to go, can't wait--coaching myself right along. Positive attitude. Then I try and sleep through the night...nope don't make it most nights. I spend hours staring at the wall or watching television. I'm also breaking out more lately in unexplained hives near pressure points on my body, I am going with stress on this one. I know I will get through this...but I'm already worn out!

Oh, and the braces I am dying for them to coming off . 

It's coming to fruition..

After what seems like my entire lifetime of waiting...it's gonna happen! Surgery! Of the Orthogantic variety.

A little on the surgery... it is a surgery to "create straight jaws" in the literal meaning of orthognathic surgery. It is usually undertaken to improve both the function and appearance of the upper and lower jaws, the teeth and the facial appearance as a whole. Once a problem has been identified a referral can be made and the patient assessed fully by both a Maxillofacial Surgeon and an Orthodontist. This initial assessment will involve a full history and examination. Usually radiographic examination of the of the face and jaws with either x-rays or CT scans, impressions of the teeth and clinical photographs are undertaken for records and for undertaking cephalometrics (skull radiographic measurements).

Once tooth alignment has been achieved, insurance has given an approval, a final surgical plan is made between the maxillofacial surgeon and the orthodontist. Impressions of the teeth are undertaken and the surgeon has developed a surgical plan, the planned surgery is simulated on the models of the teeth. This allows acrylic splints to be made which allow the surgeon to correctly position the teeth at the time of surgery. The surgeon will reposition the jawbones in accordance with your specific needs. In some cases, bone may be added, taken away or reshaped (my lower will be added to, and the upped removed some) Surgical plates, screws, wires and rubber bands may be used to hold your jaws in their new positions. Incisions are usually made inside the mouth to reduce visible scarring; however, some cases do require small incisions outside of the mouth (mine will have 2 small barley visible hole of either side of my head)  

Diagram of the surgery

Quick history on how this all came about...

During my childhood, my teeth were not pretty, at the age of eight, I had my first mouth appliance, and heard the words for the first time " she's gonna need surgery". At the time I didn't know what that meant (I never worn the damn mouth piece anyway...it didn't help) after that, my mother never did put me in braces.  I  was selfish and bitter about this. Her being a single parent, I can understand why now, but boy, the little things that come to make a difference! Enduring the teasing my entire life about being a horse, or a beaver, and a whole other mess of names was brutal. Elementarily and first part of middle school it was "The Beaver". Rest of middle school it was "Mr. Ed the Horse". This was awful,  I mean horribly so, I didn't smile a lot, I had issues trusting people, and was always so sensitive to people teasing me. There was one boy who made fun of me more then any other, Scott Martin (I hate that boy to this day).  High school was not much better, but I grew boobs, so that at least worked in my favor! Looking back though, it was unpleasant. Not to mention the main issues,alignment of the teeth that creates uneven jaw size that bite issues form from (that wear your teeth down, and cause pain), headaches, jaw muscle and jaw joint problems and speech difficulties.

Throughout my later teenage years, and early 20's I saw several surgeons and orthodontists and discussed what my options were. Surprising many of them had different ideas, one thought just braces would fix it (LOL...right), some thought one jaw only needed done, many thought both. Having both jaws done was the way I knew I needed to go, since there is a high chance of relapse when you only work on one. I'm not taking any chances...both or none.  



When in my middle 20's I decided to fully do something about it, I got my first round of braces. I went through all the steps (there are MANY steps) by checking my insurance out, finding the right doctor and a orthodontist that I trusted. I had to wear the braces for 2 years for the alignment of my teeth to be in position for surgery. I did this. Turns out my orthodontist was a flake. Also, with the government pushing health care on us for everyone, and insurance companies making quite a few changes, the insurance policy I had for years dropped me...FAIL! All that planning down the drain for surgery then. So I had the braces removed, had a quick ass smile, and started a new job--one with insurance that I had to wait another year to have the surgery.


At this point, I was having all kinds of dental problems, this is direct relation to how and where I bite down as I chew ( I have like 4-5 different bites) it was destorying my teeth. So I had a huge amount of costly and painful dental work done, and made the choice to try all of this surgery shenanigans again. The braces put on in the fall (again), had a tooth removed, more dental work, and met with a few different surgeons.  Thankfully this time around my orthodontist has rocked, the first surgeon that did my crown lengthening and tooth extraction, couldn't do the surgery as planned. (gotta love insurance), but I found another one after a few more consultations.


So at this very point I received (yay!) the pre-approval from the insurance and I am playing the waiting game for the final surgery date!

Terrible Fucking Tuesday...The worst day of the week.

One more day to add to the pile. Ha! One ball dropped...I think not, I think a few more added. Pouting and a tad pissy...I will survive, plays over and over again in my head.

Reasonably Unreasonable...and a little insane!

I started this blog to help me through a difficult time in my life and pour out all the left over things that float through my head. My current existence on this planet has proven to be somewhat of a challenge for me. I feel like a juggler with way to may balls in the air to keep going with this act. An act, this is what this is...it has to be. I normally feel confident, self-assured, and like one bad-ass bitch when it comes to getting tasks done that I set my mind too.--Lately...not so much. I'm stretched thin across the board, overloaded, stressed and wondering how I am even still standing. Getting a house ready, working full-time, working part-time on my eBay, setting up all my surgical appointments, getting ready to move, and still trying to fit friends in-- is almost impossible. It feels like a shell of me getting up and going through the motions. I dare say that an unfeeling robot Jen has taken over, and will remain there until things slow down. Oh, I'm putting a wedding shower together at work too (as if I have the time). It all for a greater cause though...I am going to happier after all of this...right?

Highlights...I have amazing friends and family that are helping with the house. A friend inviting me to dinner was a simple pleasure that kept me sane last night for a a few hours. Of course, I can't have a melt down in front of someone...they will know I'm human and feel way to much sometimes. Frustration and lack of manners of the people putting in the flooring might send me over the edge too. I have manners, I respect people who have manners, I tolerate those who don't, but when you start fucking with time tables, I can't always promise I will keep myself in check. Thus far, I have. I feel slightly insane though. Alas, I will continue with my act, and hope no one notices the melt down on the inside. At the very least Ikea was a relaxing adventure, and tonight I am taking the night off.

On a side note: I found in some of my friendships lately to value someone's honesty, openness, and thoughtfulness...not to mention manners. It made a small difference to me, and that's worth noting.

"I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."  Maya Angelou

A little more self-discovery…and review (part 1)

The question. Will I ever be satisfied and content with everything I have? Simple and honest answer. No, I don’t really think so.  The journey of self-exploration has proved to be worth following. There is always an undying thirst for questions to be answered that is never quite quenched. Why such a strong desire to always explore? Search for more, search for everything I don’t have, never had, but yet, more searching for answers that I have already found.   Then the questions…Was the answer right? Will it ever be right? Was, is it, right for me? But what the fuck is right? Who gets to define what is right for me? Those thoughts are always circling through my brain. I have trouble keeping it straight. Continuing with experiences long enough to let them develop as part of me is a slight issue. The experiences that do stay with me, and have grown to be a continuous part of me, often surprise me. It’s when I stop and take a step back, that I realize just how splendid everything is. Why should I want to change that? Why should I run and try something else or make changes when something is working? I accept my mind does crave constant change; Darwin was on to something with adapting to survive. Could be up until the last recent year, I had to keep life in perpetual motion to survive through the last 28 years. That sounds so over-dramatic and ridiculous, even to me.  But, I may be on to something, I think. Pulling loose some of the strings in my memory, childhood was perfect until about ago of eight (at least my perception of perfect). Then progressively more difficult and emotionally challenging thereafter. To clarify I was never beaten, abused, or not loved. I don’t have a tragic Lifetime like story about overcoming huge obstacles and making it out a survivor. I had a roof over my head, food, clothing, friends, and a family who loved me. But there has always been something missing. A single word comes to mind. Acceptance (we shall come back to this point). 

After my parents’ divorce when I was ten, I came to accept my father didn’t even like me, wrote me off until I was an adult.  As I choose to live with my Mother after the divorce. That is a story for another time. I’ve worked out the “Daddy” issues, as they were. Compartmentalizing works wonders. 

 My mother, she is the one who raised me (when I wasn’t raising myself). She tried, but her standards and expectations are high. Very high. Fair, but tough. This made me work harder, learn what real responsibility was. She inherently ingrained high expectations me as a default, hardwired me to be completely independent and self-reliant.  Those are strong attributes to have in life, but it’s a curse at the same time. She was always there for me, but only during the instants she thought she should be for. I was the oldest. I heard the words “No”, and “Because I said so” more times than I can count.  Mostly for typical activities…sleepovers, dances, trips, social activities, sports, and small things that mean the world to a child or teenager. (I was thought this was so unfair, I never got to do anything, poor me…LOL) To be fair, my Mother was a single woman raising two kids on her own and had to work VERY hard to provide what we had. Time was a precious thing for her, still is. She didn’t have a lot of extra time to cart me around and indulge in everything I wanted to do. But that’s only half the picture. I got to do a lot, but I learned to work around the word “No”, and still do things. Mostly by running down every detail and making sure she wouldn’t be burdened with the carting around.  A lot of the time I still was told “No”, (not that I listened to it) but not all of the time. Again, to be fair I wasn’t an easy teenager, I didn’t do the normal negative social norms (i.e. drugs, sex, drinking, and other nonsense) I was more impulsive than anything. Constantly trying to beat the system, pick out the loopholes to make it work to my advantage. Again, I didn’t like the word “No”, so usually it was some intricate idea to do something simple. Covering all the bases I like to say. The experiences were simple enough, nothing that was going to hurt anyone (mostly just setting myself up to get grounded). At least I can admit that. I wish I would have made it easier on her, but it just didn’t happen. So from what I learned, was to try and not be a burden to people. I hated asking for help, it always appeared I was never getting it (sometimes which was true). Partly due to the fact that I was inpatient, impulsive and self-absorbed (really, I just couldn’t wait). Brings another wonderful trait to the surface, I’ve learned, as I have aged…Patience. I realized now, I learned that from her. She had the most amazing patience, even though I must have drove her crazy. Now, she drives me crazy (and I love her for it).

I come back to the word Acceptance. This is peer to peer acceptance, and true self-acceptance. To define..."Peer acceptance is measured by the quality rather than the quantity of a child or adolescent's relationships. While the number of friends varies among children and over time as a child develops, peer acceptance is often established as early as preschool. Factors such as physical attractiveness, cultural traits, and disabilities affect the level of peer acceptance, with a child's degree of social competence being the best predictor of peer acceptance. " During my childhood I was never part of the “In-crowd”, but nor was I a so called  "Outcast". I usually feel something in the middle. We moved around a lot when I was younger, and I never quite got my bearings in one place long enough to be comfortable. I always had friends and was well liked. Usually a sense of humor helped. I just never felt comfortable or secure in my own skin until I was an adult. I have NEVER been like anyone else. Period. I tend to stand out, even when I don’t want to (reasons for this tend to vary). During my elementary, middle-school, and high school years, I was teased. (A lot).  This provided a strong platform to never let my guard down, but always smile, never to let someone know they were getting to me. Being not very active in sports, band, clubs, or any other extracurricular activities in high school, I am sure I missed out on a quite a few experiences that would have helped this feeling, but alas (if you only knew then, what you know now)it’s too late now. I have found self-acceptance in the last ten years. More so after the last 12 months, it gives me a level of comfort not there before. A quest for self-reflection, self-discovery, and better idea of my own  psychology and how it can affect myself and others.  It all helps. It just takes time…

Struggle

I struggle to be that person, that image of a good person who always does the right thing. I don't. I am flawed. I am human. I do wrong. I do so much right that I feel it tries to over compensate for the person that I am inside. I can't always like everyone, every day, I just don't have it in me. I started this blog to help me heal, to grow, to remember. To start something that made me feel and remember those times that are so easily overlooked. How easy it is to just not feel, to let go of everything and self destruct. You don't mean to...but you do. To hurt the the people you love the most, not intentionally, but as a by-product of one's own emotional insecurities. It sucks. I am sometimes locked so deeply in my own emotional well being, I forget that other people feel too. Downward spiral, the battle of wills against myself. Strong-willed, but not strong enough just to let go, to move on and put myself in a better place, not a bitter place. That bitter place is a place I know well and deeply.

How often do we forget that we are not the center of the world...or the universe.

When the world we live in is based around everything that makes up a person...work, school, friends, family, it is all about perception and how much we can tolerate from others. Gibberish and everything that seems to make sense in the world--is always in the one moment of clarity. Time it does heal all wounds, and makes us forget the woes of the past, and yearn for the days that made us the most happy. --I think. It is almost to easy to forget to look at what we have in front of us, and not take it for granted. It's so damn easy just to not feel anything at all and go through life. We lose so much that way. But yet...we still go on.

I wake up every day and wonder what I have done with my life and if it was enough, but it will ever will be enough. I miss so very much, but yet at the same time I am thankful it's gone. What a paradox. Split mind. Yes.

I think I am so happy, but yet I am still unhappy. That is life. You are the only person that can make yourself happy. Truly happy. I wish I had all the answers...or at least some of them. No matter how many books I read, or people I know, there is only some questions that are really answered.

Laughing so hard it hurts.

"A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life."

 

There is nothing better in life than the love of friends who would cheer you up amidst the challenging day that now lay behind us. Tomorrow a new day and more life to live and enjoy. I will deal will it as it comes, as always. Best news of the day...It's statical fact only 4 out of 5 are nothing more than a mass. That is good. That is better odds. I can deal with that. True friends do the silliness right along with you. Blessed, no. Thankful, by choice. Grateful by experience. 

 

No bullshit here! Plenty of love, humor and amazing support. 

 

Oh, of course the vodka, pizza, and bread-sticks helped too!

 

“Try as much as possible to be wholly alive, with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell and when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough" Laugh until it hurts, until you are crying and it comes out your nose!

More things I've learned

• Yoga is a great form of stretching and relaxation. I can bend in ways that I could not before.
• I love the feel of silk and satin on my skin. 
• I am really good at managing the hours in the day, especially when most days, there are not enough to fit it all in.
• I have so many friends that are unique and wonderful, that they make all the difference in my life.
• I love to go bike riding on Saturday mornings on the path. I look forward to it.
• I still like quiet nights at home.
• I can drive a forklift.
• I can drink "Old Crow" bourbon like a champ.
• Dating is super fun, most of the time. Except for long nose hair. Gross.
• I can hit the ball straighter and sorta where it needs to go in golf. Improvement.
• Swing dancing and waltz's are something else I can do.  
• I still love to watch movies. 
• I am reading the best books, and understanding so much more with the right verbage.
• I fully endorse the "shake-weight".
• I wake up happy most days.

A Lesson.

"I figure, you know, if you treat people right, you can only hope that they treat you right. It's as simple as it gets in this complicated world."

 There are moments and choices to where a person comes to a crossroad in life. One must stand back and look down the road  traveled, to decide where that direction is to take them forward.  Looking at the hard lessons learned, in vain, not to repeat them, and try to grow from them. Finding  a way to face the challenges before him with a balance within, to live a better life, and grow as a person. Life is an endless journey of tragedy, sorrow, joy, pain, and happiness. Nothing is ever written in stone, and can be forgiven in time, but not to be repeated. Making everything better all at once is a temporary fix, it will dull the pain, but it will not solve all the issues. They will resurface, they will still need to be dealt with. Having enough inner strength to face all of life's challenges takes time, it takes practice. Being happy with one's self is hard and not always easy. Nothing is ever perfect, but it can be balanced and manged, even in one's darkest hour. Courage, strength, and laughter are the keys that provide a stable foundation to which a better life can be found. Even if it is down the road not yet traveled. 

Things I have learned

I am never going to rule to world.

There are not midgets living under my bed.

I am never to be a great writer or poet.

I am very weird.

Caring is still ok to do. Being a good person is still a core attribute.

I am not that athletic, and hate to run. But I just might be ok in golf with practice. (lots of it)

There are people in this world who think I am something special.

Free Will is one of the greatest things out there.

Sometimes I talk way too much, and most things are best not said.(Even if I lose a pint of blood biting my tongue.)

I have some of the best friends anyone could ask for.

I can get up and go to work every morning, even for the “man”. I still like working for myself.

Music is and always has been an outlet for my deepest emotions. Even though I can’t play a note, sometimes it makes all the difference.

I can’t control everything. This was an important one.

The things I can control and be proactive on, to do. Not put everything off.

One day-- I will love someone, when I am ready.

I can hunt cows in the woods with a thermal imaging camera.