Nerves

19 days 21 hours. So long, but feels almost not long enough. I am nervous. REALLY nervous. March 29th is the date that has been set for the surgery. Since I last wrote, the weeks are going by at wrap speed, and I feel like I have so much more to do to prepare.  My stomach is in knots, I'm not sleeping right, I have constant headaches, and my mind doesn't shut down. Work has been tense, which just adds on the the giant pile of stress, but that's an easy one to manage, it's just work. Overall though, I'm scared, serious thoughts plagued me almost every hour on the hour--

What if I come out with looking deformed? 
Anesthesia...I need to know more. 4-7 hours in surgery is a long time.
Weight. Will I lose too much...or not enough?
Eating. I like to eat. I'm not the best person to put stuff together and make "healthy" drinks.
Talking. I think it will work...right?
Work...well we are all stressed enough. Will they find some way to railroad me out? (looking as a backup)
Will this solve the issues I have...i.e. is this even worth it?
What the hell am I going to look like right after surgery...screws in my face...Frankenstein Jeni style!
And when the hell can I get these braces off my teeth?
They. Are. Going. To. Cut. The. Bottom. Of. My. Face. Off!

Mentally, I think I tell myself I am ready, good to go, can't wait--coaching myself right along. Positive attitude. Then I try and sleep through the night...nope don't make it most nights. I spend hours staring at the wall or watching television. I'm also breaking out more lately in unexplained hives near pressure points on my body, I am going with stress on this one. I know I will get through this...but I'm already worn out!

Oh, and the braces I am dying for them to coming off . 

It's coming to fruition..

After what seems like my entire lifetime of waiting...it's gonna happen! Surgery! Of the Orthogantic variety.

A little on the surgery... it is a surgery to "create straight jaws" in the literal meaning of orthognathic surgery. It is usually undertaken to improve both the function and appearance of the upper and lower jaws, the teeth and the facial appearance as a whole. Once a problem has been identified a referral can be made and the patient assessed fully by both a Maxillofacial Surgeon and an Orthodontist. This initial assessment will involve a full history and examination. Usually radiographic examination of the of the face and jaws with either x-rays or CT scans, impressions of the teeth and clinical photographs are undertaken for records and for undertaking cephalometrics (skull radiographic measurements).

Once tooth alignment has been achieved, insurance has given an approval, a final surgical plan is made between the maxillofacial surgeon and the orthodontist. Impressions of the teeth are undertaken and the surgeon has developed a surgical plan, the planned surgery is simulated on the models of the teeth. This allows acrylic splints to be made which allow the surgeon to correctly position the teeth at the time of surgery. The surgeon will reposition the jawbones in accordance with your specific needs. In some cases, bone may be added, taken away or reshaped (my lower will be added to, and the upped removed some) Surgical plates, screws, wires and rubber bands may be used to hold your jaws in their new positions. Incisions are usually made inside the mouth to reduce visible scarring; however, some cases do require small incisions outside of the mouth (mine will have 2 small barley visible hole of either side of my head)  

Diagram of the surgery

Quick history on how this all came about...

During my childhood, my teeth were not pretty, at the age of eight, I had my first mouth appliance, and heard the words for the first time " she's gonna need surgery". At the time I didn't know what that meant (I never worn the damn mouth piece anyway...it didn't help) after that, my mother never did put me in braces.  I  was selfish and bitter about this. Her being a single parent, I can understand why now, but boy, the little things that come to make a difference! Enduring the teasing my entire life about being a horse, or a beaver, and a whole other mess of names was brutal. Elementarily and first part of middle school it was "The Beaver". Rest of middle school it was "Mr. Ed the Horse". This was awful,  I mean horribly so, I didn't smile a lot, I had issues trusting people, and was always so sensitive to people teasing me. There was one boy who made fun of me more then any other, Scott Martin (I hate that boy to this day).  High school was not much better, but I grew boobs, so that at least worked in my favor! Looking back though, it was unpleasant. Not to mention the main issues,alignment of the teeth that creates uneven jaw size that bite issues form from (that wear your teeth down, and cause pain), headaches, jaw muscle and jaw joint problems and speech difficulties.

Throughout my later teenage years, and early 20's I saw several surgeons and orthodontists and discussed what my options were. Surprising many of them had different ideas, one thought just braces would fix it (LOL...right), some thought one jaw only needed done, many thought both. Having both jaws done was the way I knew I needed to go, since there is a high chance of relapse when you only work on one. I'm not taking any chances...both or none.  



When in my middle 20's I decided to fully do something about it, I got my first round of braces. I went through all the steps (there are MANY steps) by checking my insurance out, finding the right doctor and a orthodontist that I trusted. I had to wear the braces for 2 years for the alignment of my teeth to be in position for surgery. I did this. Turns out my orthodontist was a flake. Also, with the government pushing health care on us for everyone, and insurance companies making quite a few changes, the insurance policy I had for years dropped me...FAIL! All that planning down the drain for surgery then. So I had the braces removed, had a quick ass smile, and started a new job--one with insurance that I had to wait another year to have the surgery.


At this point, I was having all kinds of dental problems, this is direct relation to how and where I bite down as I chew ( I have like 4-5 different bites) it was destorying my teeth. So I had a huge amount of costly and painful dental work done, and made the choice to try all of this surgery shenanigans again. The braces put on in the fall (again), had a tooth removed, more dental work, and met with a few different surgeons.  Thankfully this time around my orthodontist has rocked, the first surgeon that did my crown lengthening and tooth extraction, couldn't do the surgery as planned. (gotta love insurance), but I found another one after a few more consultations.


So at this very point I received (yay!) the pre-approval from the insurance and I am playing the waiting game for the final surgery date!

Terrible Fucking Tuesday...The worst day of the week.

One more day to add to the pile. Ha! One ball dropped...I think not, I think a few more added. Pouting and a tad pissy...I will survive, plays over and over again in my head.

Reasonably Unreasonable...and a little insane!

I started this blog to help me through a difficult time in my life and pour out all the left over things that float through my head. My current existence on this planet has proven to be somewhat of a challenge for me. I feel like a juggler with way to may balls in the air to keep going with this act. An act, this is what this is...it has to be. I normally feel confident, self-assured, and like one bad-ass bitch when it comes to getting tasks done that I set my mind too.--Lately...not so much. I'm stretched thin across the board, overloaded, stressed and wondering how I am even still standing. Getting a house ready, working full-time, working part-time on my eBay, setting up all my surgical appointments, getting ready to move, and still trying to fit friends in-- is almost impossible. It feels like a shell of me getting up and going through the motions. I dare say that an unfeeling robot Jen has taken over, and will remain there until things slow down. Oh, I'm putting a wedding shower together at work too (as if I have the time). It all for a greater cause though...I am going to happier after all of this...right?

Highlights...I have amazing friends and family that are helping with the house. A friend inviting me to dinner was a simple pleasure that kept me sane last night for a a few hours. Of course, I can't have a melt down in front of someone...they will know I'm human and feel way to much sometimes. Frustration and lack of manners of the people putting in the flooring might send me over the edge too. I have manners, I respect people who have manners, I tolerate those who don't, but when you start fucking with time tables, I can't always promise I will keep myself in check. Thus far, I have. I feel slightly insane though. Alas, I will continue with my act, and hope no one notices the melt down on the inside. At the very least Ikea was a relaxing adventure, and tonight I am taking the night off.

On a side note: I found in some of my friendships lately to value someone's honesty, openness, and thoughtfulness...not to mention manners. It made a small difference to me, and that's worth noting.

"I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."  Maya Angelou

Another point

"We need to give each other the space to grow, to be ourselves, to exercise our diversity. We need to give each other space so that we may both give and receive such beautiful things as ideas, openness, dignity, joy, healing, and inclusion."

Another mile marker passed today. One that was long on the horizon but seemed forever to reach. I am coming to a point in a journey that has been long awaited for a conclusion. This is a scary, horrifying, and nerve-racking adventure that  I am hoping will have the end results that I want. That being said...many thoughts occurred to me during this whole process, I need to dump out and sort through it...

Perfection seems to be something most people strive for, I am certainly no different. Much like the first bowls of porridge Goldilocks tired, life seems to play out in my own mind that things can be "perfect" in the manner that is close to what I am looking for, but never quite just right.  This used to drive me crazy...enter control freak mode, and learning to deal with the curve balls life throws at you. (not everything is perfect or going to be done your way) I used to stress out and get frustrated, now I can roll with just about anything, if I just have a moment to process the change going on. For me now, pefection in my own life is at least trying be the best I can, and if I fail, but I tried, I can live with that. There are ways I still learn everyday to cope with not being the best I can be all the time...but still have to realize,  I am only human (that is okay to be that way).  I  tend to look at life as a machine with each widget, gear, and cog playing it's parts to make the whole run smoothly. Stable environments, a home, family, friends, activities, job, and maybe someday a husband and kids (or maybe not) these are easy goals. Things I want and should be able to maintain and have. BUT...

Upon serious reflection on my own life. I am coming to terms with a number of unresolved issues, and trying to overcome major insecurities. This not something to tackle all at once...but it helps to think it over some. There are many forms of perfection. I started this writing thinking about looks, but found a little deeper meaning in thinking it over more and relating it to life.

"Love one another and help others to rise to the higher levels, simply by pouring out love. Love is infectious and the greatest healing energy."

Making me think...

Did you know that those who appear to be very strong, often are the most sensitive?
Did you know that those who spend all their time taking care of others, can be the one that needs to be taken care of?
Did you know that the three things that are hardest to say are: I love you, I'm sorry, and Help me!
 

I saw this on a status on Facebook on Wednesday, and I wanted to remember it. It really struck a nerve...relating in some surprising fashions.

A little more self-discovery…and review (part 1)

The question. Will I ever be satisfied and content with everything I have? Simple and honest answer. No, I don’t really think so.  The journey of self-exploration has proved to be worth following. There is always an undying thirst for questions to be answered that is never quite quenched. Why such a strong desire to always explore? Search for more, search for everything I don’t have, never had, but yet, more searching for answers that I have already found.   Then the questions…Was the answer right? Will it ever be right? Was, is it, right for me? But what the fuck is right? Who gets to define what is right for me? Those thoughts are always circling through my brain. I have trouble keeping it straight. Continuing with experiences long enough to let them develop as part of me is a slight issue. The experiences that do stay with me, and have grown to be a continuous part of me, often surprise me. It’s when I stop and take a step back, that I realize just how splendid everything is. Why should I want to change that? Why should I run and try something else or make changes when something is working? I accept my mind does crave constant change; Darwin was on to something with adapting to survive. Could be up until the last recent year, I had to keep life in perpetual motion to survive through the last 28 years. That sounds so over-dramatic and ridiculous, even to me.  But, I may be on to something, I think. Pulling loose some of the strings in my memory, childhood was perfect until about ago of eight (at least my perception of perfect). Then progressively more difficult and emotionally challenging thereafter. To clarify I was never beaten, abused, or not loved. I don’t have a tragic Lifetime like story about overcoming huge obstacles and making it out a survivor. I had a roof over my head, food, clothing, friends, and a family who loved me. But there has always been something missing. A single word comes to mind. Acceptance (we shall come back to this point). 

After my parents’ divorce when I was ten, I came to accept my father didn’t even like me, wrote me off until I was an adult.  As I choose to live with my Mother after the divorce. That is a story for another time. I’ve worked out the “Daddy” issues, as they were. Compartmentalizing works wonders. 

 My mother, she is the one who raised me (when I wasn’t raising myself). She tried, but her standards and expectations are high. Very high. Fair, but tough. This made me work harder, learn what real responsibility was. She inherently ingrained high expectations me as a default, hardwired me to be completely independent and self-reliant.  Those are strong attributes to have in life, but it’s a curse at the same time. She was always there for me, but only during the instants she thought she should be for. I was the oldest. I heard the words “No”, and “Because I said so” more times than I can count.  Mostly for typical activities…sleepovers, dances, trips, social activities, sports, and small things that mean the world to a child or teenager. (I was thought this was so unfair, I never got to do anything, poor me…LOL) To be fair, my Mother was a single woman raising two kids on her own and had to work VERY hard to provide what we had. Time was a precious thing for her, still is. She didn’t have a lot of extra time to cart me around and indulge in everything I wanted to do. But that’s only half the picture. I got to do a lot, but I learned to work around the word “No”, and still do things. Mostly by running down every detail and making sure she wouldn’t be burdened with the carting around.  A lot of the time I still was told “No”, (not that I listened to it) but not all of the time. Again, to be fair I wasn’t an easy teenager, I didn’t do the normal negative social norms (i.e. drugs, sex, drinking, and other nonsense) I was more impulsive than anything. Constantly trying to beat the system, pick out the loopholes to make it work to my advantage. Again, I didn’t like the word “No”, so usually it was some intricate idea to do something simple. Covering all the bases I like to say. The experiences were simple enough, nothing that was going to hurt anyone (mostly just setting myself up to get grounded). At least I can admit that. I wish I would have made it easier on her, but it just didn’t happen. So from what I learned, was to try and not be a burden to people. I hated asking for help, it always appeared I was never getting it (sometimes which was true). Partly due to the fact that I was inpatient, impulsive and self-absorbed (really, I just couldn’t wait). Brings another wonderful trait to the surface, I’ve learned, as I have aged…Patience. I realized now, I learned that from her. She had the most amazing patience, even though I must have drove her crazy. Now, she drives me crazy (and I love her for it).

I come back to the word Acceptance. This is peer to peer acceptance, and true self-acceptance. To define..."Peer acceptance is measured by the quality rather than the quantity of a child or adolescent's relationships. While the number of friends varies among children and over time as a child develops, peer acceptance is often established as early as preschool. Factors such as physical attractiveness, cultural traits, and disabilities affect the level of peer acceptance, with a child's degree of social competence being the best predictor of peer acceptance. " During my childhood I was never part of the “In-crowd”, but nor was I a so called  "Outcast". I usually feel something in the middle. We moved around a lot when I was younger, and I never quite got my bearings in one place long enough to be comfortable. I always had friends and was well liked. Usually a sense of humor helped. I just never felt comfortable or secure in my own skin until I was an adult. I have NEVER been like anyone else. Period. I tend to stand out, even when I don’t want to (reasons for this tend to vary). During my elementary, middle-school, and high school years, I was teased. (A lot).  This provided a strong platform to never let my guard down, but always smile, never to let someone know they were getting to me. Being not very active in sports, band, clubs, or any other extracurricular activities in high school, I am sure I missed out on a quite a few experiences that would have helped this feeling, but alas (if you only knew then, what you know now)it’s too late now. I have found self-acceptance in the last ten years. More so after the last 12 months, it gives me a level of comfort not there before. A quest for self-reflection, self-discovery, and better idea of my own  psychology and how it can affect myself and others.  It all helps. It just takes time…

Struggle

I struggle to be that person, that image of a good person who always does the right thing. I don't. I am flawed. I am human. I do wrong. I do so much right that I feel it tries to over compensate for the person that I am inside. I can't always like everyone, every day, I just don't have it in me. I started this blog to help me heal, to grow, to remember. To start something that made me feel and remember those times that are so easily overlooked. How easy it is to just not feel, to let go of everything and self destruct. You don't mean to...but you do. To hurt the the people you love the most, not intentionally, but as a by-product of one's own emotional insecurities. It sucks. I am sometimes locked so deeply in my own emotional well being, I forget that other people feel too. Downward spiral, the battle of wills against myself. Strong-willed, but not strong enough just to let go, to move on and put myself in a better place, not a bitter place. That bitter place is a place I know well and deeply.

How often do we forget that we are not the center of the world...or the universe.

When the world we live in is based around everything that makes up a person...work, school, friends, family, it is all about perception and how much we can tolerate from others. Gibberish and everything that seems to make sense in the world--is always in the one moment of clarity. Time it does heal all wounds, and makes us forget the woes of the past, and yearn for the days that made us the most happy. --I think. It is almost to easy to forget to look at what we have in front of us, and not take it for granted. It's so damn easy just to not feel anything at all and go through life. We lose so much that way. But yet...we still go on.

I wake up every day and wonder what I have done with my life and if it was enough, but it will ever will be enough. I miss so very much, but yet at the same time I am thankful it's gone. What a paradox. Split mind. Yes.

I think I am so happy, but yet I am still unhappy. That is life. You are the only person that can make yourself happy. Truly happy. I wish I had all the answers...or at least some of them. No matter how many books I read, or people I know, there is only some questions that are really answered.

Bored.

Sitting here today, I realized, I am bored. Bored to tears over everyday mundane life details. I should be a happy as a clam. I built up to a life others wouldn't mind having, but selfish me...I'm bored! I am ready for some kind of bigger change, or closure to other details, ready for the constant drip that keeps falling out of the sky to stop.  Three different golf lessons have now been canceled, depressing. Maybe it's just the day, or the week, or leftover uncomfortableness from the weekend. All I know is I am bored. Uncomfortable about recent decisions I've made, and where on earth that is going to take me. Ugh, meh, with a side of blurg. Highlight of my week so far...watching Back to the Future 1,2 & 3 repeatedly. If only I could go back to the past. HA! Yoga and gym tonight, flexible and in shape before you know it. Alas, at least it's May and almost summer.

More favorite quotes...things not to forget.

"I believe opportunities that are given should be attempted, despite the outcome."-Me 

 “I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries”-Theodore Isaac Rubin

"Don't think or judge, just listen." 

“Nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.”-Oscar Wild

"No relationship is perfect, ever. There are always some ways you have to bend, to compromise, to give something up in order to gain something greater...The love we have for each other is bigger than these small differences. And that's the key. It's like a big pie chart, and the love in a relationship has to be the biggest piece. Love can make up for a lot." 

"I am coming to terms with the fact that loving someone requires a leap of faith, and that a soft landing is never guaranteed. " 

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”-Mahatma Gandhi

"Some things don't last forever, but some things do. Like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down on the corners and peering in close, hoping you still recognize the person you see there." 

“Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.”- C.S. Lewis

Golf ball love...

Basket of pretty golf balls!

The prettiest one of all!

Happiness has been a tough thing to find this year. Learning to relive life again has proven to be an uphill battle at times. I still doubt myself, a lot from time to time, only to realize that doubt is not very necessary. Surprisingly, I have made it to the end of December despite being very ill for most of the month. My birthday was a wonderful time with a company Christmas party being held the same day, surrounded by family and friends. Christmas was a joyous time with many friends and family around to celebrate in a truly wonderful way.  A feeling of love, happiness, and being thankful for everything I went through this year still left me with a smile on face. I made more baskets this year, and they were a hit. It was nice to be able to make people happy and smile with little effort on my part. Just enough to let people know you care. That was the best I could ever get back. The second best gift was GOLF BALLS. A woman whom is like my sister brought me enough golf balls to last me certainly threw several seasons! It was one of the best presents I received. Some had butterflies which is a personal favorite, some say princess (for that ego of mine), and the one I got around my birthday has a dragon fly, and it's purple. I couldn't ask for something better than this. Silly as it may seem, it made me smile all day.

Flowers, flowers & more flowers!

Beautiful Flowers! My favorites!

Pretty anonymous flowers!
"May your day be as wonderful as you are"

 

"More anonymous flowers"

"My favorite flowers"

Nice thoughts from a few people. Roses are my favorite by far. The others are quite nice as well! I really like fresh flowers. The make my office smell wonderful.

Something to chew on.

As I was driving home tonight thinking about life, several thoughts occurred to me, I decided I wanted to remember some of these. This line of thinking was geared more for my love life.  Few ideas on the one in a million person out there who will get me, and be the person to just blow my mind. These are the deal breakers.

Serious love of music. Whether it's playing it or just a serious music appreciation. Diversity is key, loving different types, and having love for the beauty in it.

Very like minded, similar ways of thinking, ideas, and understanding. Ahhh... but the catch, but different enough in the way that keeps my attention. I don't want or need someone just like me. Just someone who gets it.

Excellent sense of silly, insane, goofy humor. I like the odd ball things, and laugh at things only a few would get and laugh at. I like to laugh, but I love to laugh with someone else who is laughing for the same reason.

They must read, and enjoy doing so. It's one of my favorite things ever, a love to share with someone else. Being introduced to new material, or have someone open to new material. Excellent. 


Surprise me,very few people ever do.. It really isn't hard. Remembering those little things about me, details. The kind that catches me off guard...that someone was paying attention when I wasn't.
 
Someone who works for what they have. Nope, don't need my drive or ambition, but they need to want some more for themselves and not take it at others expenses.

Don't expect me to want anything from them. I can take care of myself just fine. But to want to give me something. That's different. Not petty or even material things, I don't need someone to buy me anything. Again covered. Sweet, thoughtful, not closed off to me, it's amazing how big a difference that makes.

Intelligence. Communication. Common sense. Kindness. Manners, Straight forwardness, honesty, and some serious integrity.

More gibberish to wash out of my head, move on to something else. Just a few note worthy thoughts to myself. To love the chase, the romance, and happy fairytale ending, it's a fun idea. I have that desire to want more with someone, for the long-term. I am not so much on thinking I need to find it. Things have seemed to find me all on it's own quite well.  One in a million sounds about right.

Laughing so hard it hurts.

"A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life."

 

There is nothing better in life than the love of friends who would cheer you up amidst the challenging day that now lay behind us. Tomorrow a new day and more life to live and enjoy. I will deal will it as it comes, as always. Best news of the day...It's statical fact only 4 out of 5 are nothing more than a mass. That is good. That is better odds. I can deal with that. True friends do the silliness right along with you. Blessed, no. Thankful, by choice. Grateful by experience. 

 

No bullshit here! Plenty of love, humor and amazing support. 

 

Oh, of course the vodka, pizza, and bread-sticks helped too!

 

“Try as much as possible to be wholly alive, with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell and when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough" Laugh until it hurts, until you are crying and it comes out your nose!

There are those times

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb [LIVE]

Another strong dose of happy.

“When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others.” 

What a great weekend! Started off right with a silly company function (only some of us are smarter than 5th graders!)  I got two new pairs of glasses. Sexy librarian...oh yeah! Came home to put together my last bookcase, and all the books are out of the attic. Woo-hoo! Home is starting to look like a brand new place, didn't even have the moving cost. Computer hooked up to the television, easy enough to watch movies w/ netflix, and of course...more Sunny! Just got to find the perfect chair...

Working more and more, always a good thing. Finding a groove and balance is wonderful. Life is settling into something to be proud of, just work, work and more work. I like to work, so not such a bad thing, but still it's work. Cooking and going to Amy's anniversary party was the highlight of the weekend. How can you resist playing with Simon, he is such a sexy fellow. Word is, he sure gets around! Which we all got a little time with him! The baskets as always, were a huge hit. That's always makes me very happy to see someone else smile (or grin).

It was mentioned in passing how comfortable we all have come. This is a great and important thing. Settling into a calmer life, putting the past woes behind us, and moving forward. This is comforting. We can not change the past, we can only learn and choose to  try to be better. I like this. I love my life, my family, the new things I try, and several people that have become family. I like the silliness, I like the intelligence, I like the humor that never stops, but most of all I like being happy. My step-dad says to me last week "I have never seen you happier, I am glad." This made me stop and think. Yep, that's true. I have been plenty happy over the years, but nothing like this. Spending time with a close friend more one on one, was wonderful too. He makes me smile. I like that. Seeing my lovely nieces for a while yesterday reminded me of all the wonderful old friends I have, I saw I am really lucky.

I have dance class tonight. What a great thing to do, something I have always wanted to do. I did it. That has been my motto, "I did it". Words to live by. Wonderful all around. Can always be better, and even worse, but right now. It's wonderful.

Food for my thoughts...

Hmmmmmm... We all, I think, want to be loved, cared about, and to know that we are special to someone. Many times we can be with other people in relationships of all kinds (friends, lovers, marriage, family even) and still miss this feeling of belonging with someone. Having love for someone is not the same as being loved by that same person when you still feel utterly alone. (at least for me) I spent way to long trying to figure that one out...overkill on that thought. Only conclusion I got...I want someone I can be happy with, who likes all nutty things about me, makes me laugh, and challenges my thinking, calls me out when I am wrong, lives a life with me, but still has one of their own. Someone one who is like me, but different, someone who wants more in life, but wants to work to get it. Funny, kindness, music, books, goals, dreams, are the simplest of wants, but damn, seems a little hard to find. I guess patience is a good lesson to remember here.

How many times in the last ten years of my life have I just gotten up and did the robot routine? I did learn patience that way. Countless times, everyday for years. Not because I didn't feel, because I settled for something that was not the right thing for me and had to think that, was going to be it, so deal with it. I still right now -- am wondering if there is a person out there that I can get along with, tolerate without going crazy. Silly moods strike me at times, and I have no idea which way is up or down, or even where thoughts are going, until the problem has seem to work itself out in my own head. Most thoughts are mixed and jumbled up into a rambling mess. I start wondering if I just shouldn't go run and hide, and not come back out. Social as I am and can be, there are little moments when I rather snuggle up with a good book, or watch a marathon of the same damn shows all day long. What a insane mix of one extreme to another I am...but making it work all the same, in the happy middle. Little bit of the left brain, little bit of the right, certainly a healthy mix of that overlap!  Ugh. I like it, but I don't. I like people, but I don't. I want a relationship...but I really don't. Dating...No sir. Not fond of that either, finding I am more prone to cancel about an hour before out of nerves and just not wanting to deal. This is for no one and everyone. This is for me to remember, to say it is ok to be picky and know why. I can be alone too, sometimes prefer it, but it is nice to dream about something special.