In hours of weariness, sensations sweet,
Felt in the blood, and felt along the heart;
And passing even into my purer mind,
With tranquil restoration:—feelings, too,
Of unremembered pleasure: such, perhaps,
As have no slight or trivial influence
On that best portion of a good man's life,
His little, nameless, unremembered acts
Of kindness and of love....
~William Wordsworth, 1798
Today, my heart is a little heavy, and more confused then it's been in a while. What better way to help work it, then give a little more love. Perhaps one day it will make more sense. Perhaps.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Promise Yourself
Promise Yourself
To be strong that nothing
can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity
to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel
that there is something in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true
To think only the best, to work only for the best,
and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others
as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past
and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
The wear a cheerful countenance at all times
and give each living creature you meet a smile.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself
that you have no time to criticize others.
To be to large for worry, to noble for anger, to strong for fear,
and to happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
not loud words but great deeds.
To live in faith that the whole world is on your side
so long as you are true to the best that is in you.
-Christian D. Larson
To be strong that nothing
can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity
to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel
that there is something in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true
To think only the best, to work only for the best,
and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others
as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past
and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
The wear a cheerful countenance at all times
and give each living creature you meet a smile.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself
that you have no time to criticize others.
To be to large for worry, to noble for anger, to strong for fear,
and to happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
not loud words but great deeds.
To live in faith that the whole world is on your side
so long as you are true to the best that is in you.
-Christian D. Larson
Friday, March 9, 2012
Nerves
19 days 21 hours. So long, but feels almost not long enough. I am nervous. REALLY nervous. March 29th is the date that has been set for the surgery. Since I last wrote, the weeks are going by at wrap speed, and I feel like I have so much more to do to prepare. My stomach is in knots, I'm not sleeping right, I have constant headaches, and my mind doesn't shut down. Work has been tense, which just adds on the the giant pile of stress, but that's an easy one to manage, it's just work. Overall though, I'm scared, serious thoughts plagued me almost every hour on the hour--
What if I come out with looking deformed?
Anesthesia...I need to know more. 4-7 hours in surgery is a long time.
Weight. Will I lose too much...or not enough?
Eating. I like to eat. I'm not the best person to put stuff together and make "healthy" drinks.
Talking. I think it will work...right?
Work...well we are all stressed enough. Will they find some way to railroad me out? (looking as a backup)
Will this solve the issues I have...i.e. is this even worth it?
What the hell am I going to look like right after surgery...screws in my face...Frankenstein Jeni style!
And when the hell can I get these braces off my teeth?
They. Are. Going. To. Cut. The. Bottom. Of. My. Face. Off!
Mentally, I think I tell myself I am ready, good to go, can't wait--coaching myself right along. Positive attitude. Then I try and sleep through the night...nope don't make it most nights. I spend hours staring at the wall or watching television. I'm also breaking out more lately in unexplained hives near pressure points on my body, I am going with stress on this one. I know I will get through this...but I'm already worn out!
Oh, and the braces I am dying for them to coming off .
What if I come out with looking deformed?
Anesthesia...I need to know more. 4-7 hours in surgery is a long time.
Weight. Will I lose too much...or not enough?
Eating. I like to eat. I'm not the best person to put stuff together and make "healthy" drinks.
Talking. I think it will work...right?
Work...well we are all stressed enough. Will they find some way to railroad me out? (looking as a backup)
Will this solve the issues I have...i.e. is this even worth it?
What the hell am I going to look like right after surgery...screws in my face...Frankenstein Jeni style!
And when the hell can I get these braces off my teeth?
They. Are. Going. To. Cut. The. Bottom. Of. My. Face. Off!
Mentally, I think I tell myself I am ready, good to go, can't wait--coaching myself right along. Positive attitude. Then I try and sleep through the night...nope don't make it most nights. I spend hours staring at the wall or watching television. I'm also breaking out more lately in unexplained hives near pressure points on my body, I am going with stress on this one. I know I will get through this...but I'm already worn out!
Oh, and the braces I am dying for them to coming off .
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
It's coming to fruition..
After what seems like my entire lifetime of waiting...it's gonna happen! Surgery! Of the Orthogantic variety.
A little on the surgery... it is a surgery to "create straight jaws" in the literal meaning of orthognathic surgery. It is usually undertaken to improve both the function and appearance of the upper and lower jaws, the teeth and the facial appearance as a whole. Once a problem has been identified a referral can be made and the patient assessed fully by both a Maxillofacial Surgeon and an Orthodontist. This initial assessment will involve a full history and examination. Usually radiographic examination of the of the face and jaws with either x-rays or CT scans, impressions of the teeth and clinical photographs are undertaken for records and for undertaking cephalometrics (skull radiographic measurements).
Once tooth alignment has been achieved, insurance has given an approval, a final surgical plan is made between the maxillofacial surgeon and the orthodontist. Impressions of the teeth are undertaken and the surgeon has developed a surgical plan, the planned surgery is simulated on the models of the teeth. This allows acrylic splints to be made which allow the surgeon to correctly position the teeth at the time of surgery. The surgeon will reposition the jawbones in accordance with your specific needs. In some cases, bone may be added, taken away or reshaped (my lower will be added to, and the upped removed some) Surgical plates, screws, wires and rubber bands may be used to hold your jaws in their new positions. Incisions are usually made inside the mouth to reduce visible scarring; however, some cases do require small incisions outside of the mouth (mine will have 2 small barley visible hole of either side of my head)
Quick history on how this all came about...
During my childhood, my teeth were not pretty, at the age of eight, I had my first mouth appliance, and heard the words for the first time " she's gonna need surgery". At the time I didn't know what that meant (I never worn the damn mouth piece anyway...it didn't help) after that, my mother never did put me in braces. I was selfish and bitter about this. Her being a single parent, I can understand why now, but boy, the little things that come to make a difference! Enduring the teasing my entire life about being a horse, or a beaver, and a whole other mess of names was brutal. Elementarily and first part of middle school it was "The Beaver". Rest of middle school it was "Mr. Ed the Horse". This was awful, I mean horribly so, I didn't smile a lot, I had issues trusting people, and was always so sensitive to people teasing me. There was one boy who made fun of me more then any other, Scott Martin (I hate that boy to this day). High school was not much better, but I grew boobs, so that at least worked in my favor! Looking back though, it was unpleasant. Not to mention the main issues,alignment of the teeth that creates uneven jaw size that bite issues form from (that wear your teeth down, and cause pain), headaches, jaw muscle and jaw joint problems and speech difficulties.
Throughout my later teenage years, and early 20's I saw several surgeons and orthodontists and discussed what my options were. Surprising many of them had different ideas, one thought just braces would fix it (LOL...right), some thought one jaw only needed done, many thought both. Having both jaws done was the way I knew I needed to go, since there is a high chance of relapse when you only work on one. I'm not taking any chances...both or none.
When in my middle 20's I decided to fully do something about it, I got my first round of braces. I went through all the steps (there are MANY steps) by checking my insurance out, finding the right doctor and a orthodontist that I trusted. I had to wear the braces for 2 years for the alignment of my teeth to be in position for surgery. I did this. Turns out my orthodontist was a flake. Also, with the government pushing health care on us for everyone, and insurance companies making quite a few changes, the insurance policy I had for years dropped me...FAIL! All that planning down the drain for surgery then. So I had the braces removed, had a quick ass smile, and started a new job--one with insurance that I had to wait another year to have the surgery.
At this point, I was having all kinds of dental problems, this is direct relation to how and where I bite down as I chew ( I have like 4-5 different bites) it was destorying my teeth. So I had a huge amount of costly and painful dental work done, and made the choice to try all of this surgery shenanigans again. The braces put on in the fall (again), had a tooth removed, more dental work, and met with a few different surgeons. Thankfully this time around my orthodontist has rocked, the first surgeon that did my crown lengthening and tooth extraction, couldn't do the surgery as planned. (gotta love insurance), but I found another one after a few more consultations.
So at this very point I received (yay!) the pre-approval from the insurance and I am playing the waiting game for the final surgery date!
A little on the surgery... it is a surgery to "create straight jaws" in the literal meaning of orthognathic surgery. It is usually undertaken to improve both the function and appearance of the upper and lower jaws, the teeth and the facial appearance as a whole. Once a problem has been identified a referral can be made and the patient assessed fully by both a Maxillofacial Surgeon and an Orthodontist. This initial assessment will involve a full history and examination. Usually radiographic examination of the of the face and jaws with either x-rays or CT scans, impressions of the teeth and clinical photographs are undertaken for records and for undertaking cephalometrics (skull radiographic measurements).
Once tooth alignment has been achieved, insurance has given an approval, a final surgical plan is made between the maxillofacial surgeon and the orthodontist. Impressions of the teeth are undertaken and the surgeon has developed a surgical plan, the planned surgery is simulated on the models of the teeth. This allows acrylic splints to be made which allow the surgeon to correctly position the teeth at the time of surgery. The surgeon will reposition the jawbones in accordance with your specific needs. In some cases, bone may be added, taken away or reshaped (my lower will be added to, and the upped removed some) Surgical plates, screws, wires and rubber bands may be used to hold your jaws in their new positions. Incisions are usually made inside the mouth to reduce visible scarring; however, some cases do require small incisions outside of the mouth (mine will have 2 small barley visible hole of either side of my head)
 |
| Diagram of the surgery |
Quick history on how this all came about...
During my childhood, my teeth were not pretty, at the age of eight, I had my first mouth appliance, and heard the words for the first time " she's gonna need surgery". At the time I didn't know what that meant (I never worn the damn mouth piece anyway...it didn't help) after that, my mother never did put me in braces. I was selfish and bitter about this. Her being a single parent, I can understand why now, but boy, the little things that come to make a difference! Enduring the teasing my entire life about being a horse, or a beaver, and a whole other mess of names was brutal. Elementarily and first part of middle school it was "The Beaver". Rest of middle school it was "Mr. Ed the Horse". This was awful, I mean horribly so, I didn't smile a lot, I had issues trusting people, and was always so sensitive to people teasing me. There was one boy who made fun of me more then any other, Scott Martin (I hate that boy to this day). High school was not much better, but I grew boobs, so that at least worked in my favor! Looking back though, it was unpleasant. Not to mention the main issues,alignment of the teeth that creates uneven jaw size that bite issues form from (that wear your teeth down, and cause pain), headaches, jaw muscle and jaw joint problems and speech difficulties.
Throughout my later teenage years, and early 20's I saw several surgeons and orthodontists and discussed what my options were. Surprising many of them had different ideas, one thought just braces would fix it (LOL...right), some thought one jaw only needed done, many thought both. Having both jaws done was the way I knew I needed to go, since there is a high chance of relapse when you only work on one. I'm not taking any chances...both or none.
When in my middle 20's I decided to fully do something about it, I got my first round of braces. I went through all the steps (there are MANY steps) by checking my insurance out, finding the right doctor and a orthodontist that I trusted. I had to wear the braces for 2 years for the alignment of my teeth to be in position for surgery. I did this. Turns out my orthodontist was a flake. Also, with the government pushing health care on us for everyone, and insurance companies making quite a few changes, the insurance policy I had for years dropped me...FAIL! All that planning down the drain for surgery then. So I had the braces removed, had a quick ass smile, and started a new job--one with insurance that I had to wait another year to have the surgery.
At this point, I was having all kinds of dental problems, this is direct relation to how and where I bite down as I chew ( I have like 4-5 different bites) it was destorying my teeth. So I had a huge amount of costly and painful dental work done, and made the choice to try all of this surgery shenanigans again. The braces put on in the fall (again), had a tooth removed, more dental work, and met with a few different surgeons. Thankfully this time around my orthodontist has rocked, the first surgeon that did my crown lengthening and tooth extraction, couldn't do the surgery as planned. (gotta love insurance), but I found another one after a few more consultations.
So at this very point I received (yay!) the pre-approval from the insurance and I am playing the waiting game for the final surgery date!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Terrible Fucking Tuesday...The worst day of the week.
One more day to add to the pile. Ha! One ball dropped...I think not, I think a few more added. Pouting and a tad pissy...I will survive, plays over and over again in my head.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Reasonably Unreasonable...and a little insane!
I started this blog to help me through a difficult time in my life and pour out all the left over things that float through my head. My current existence on this planet has proven to be somewhat of a challenge for me. I feel like a juggler with way to may balls in the air to keep going with this act. An act, this is what this is...it has to be. I normally feel confident, self-assured, and like one bad-ass bitch when it comes to getting tasks done that I set my mind too.--Lately...not so much. I'm stretched thin across the board, overloaded, stressed and wondering how I am even still standing. Getting a house ready, working full-time, working part-time on my eBay, setting up all my surgical appointments, getting ready to move, and still trying to fit friends in-- is almost impossible. It feels like a shell of me getting up and going through the motions. I dare say that an unfeeling robot Jen has taken over, and will remain there until things slow down. Oh, I'm putting a wedding shower together at work too (as if I have the time). It all for a greater cause though...I am going to happier after all of this...right?
Highlights...I have amazing friends and family that are helping with the house. A friend inviting me to dinner was a simple pleasure that kept me sane last night for a a few hours. Of course, I can't have a melt down in front of someone...they will know I'm human and feel way to much sometimes. Frustration and lack of manners of the people putting in the flooring might send me over the edge too. I have manners, I respect people who have manners, I tolerate those who don't, but when you start fucking with time tables, I can't always promise I will keep myself in check. Thus far, I have. I feel slightly insane though. Alas, I will continue with my act, and hope no one notices the melt down on the inside. At the very least Ikea was a relaxing adventure, and tonight I am taking the night off.
On a side note: I found in some of my friendships lately to value someone's honesty, openness, and thoughtfulness...not to mention manners. It made a small difference to me, and that's worth noting.
"I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights." Maya Angelou
Highlights...I have amazing friends and family that are helping with the house. A friend inviting me to dinner was a simple pleasure that kept me sane last night for a a few hours. Of course, I can't have a melt down in front of someone...they will know I'm human and feel way to much sometimes. Frustration and lack of manners of the people putting in the flooring might send me over the edge too. I have manners, I respect people who have manners, I tolerate those who don't, but when you start fucking with time tables, I can't always promise I will keep myself in check. Thus far, I have. I feel slightly insane though. Alas, I will continue with my act, and hope no one notices the melt down on the inside. At the very least Ikea was a relaxing adventure, and tonight I am taking the night off.
On a side note: I found in some of my friendships lately to value someone's honesty, openness, and thoughtfulness...not to mention manners. It made a small difference to me, and that's worth noting.
"I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights." Maya Angelou
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