Terrible Fucking Tuesday...The worst day of the week.

One more day to add to the pile. Ha! One ball dropped...I think not, I think a few more added. Pouting and a tad pissy...I will survive, plays over and over again in my head.

Reasonably Unreasonable...and a little insane!

I started this blog to help me through a difficult time in my life and pour out all the left over things that float through my head. My current existence on this planet has proven to be somewhat of a challenge for me. I feel like a juggler with way to may balls in the air to keep going with this act. An act, this is what this is...it has to be. I normally feel confident, self-assured, and like one bad-ass bitch when it comes to getting tasks done that I set my mind too.--Lately...not so much. I'm stretched thin across the board, overloaded, stressed and wondering how I am even still standing. Getting a house ready, working full-time, working part-time on my eBay, setting up all my surgical appointments, getting ready to move, and still trying to fit friends in-- is almost impossible. It feels like a shell of me getting up and going through the motions. I dare say that an unfeeling robot Jen has taken over, and will remain there until things slow down. Oh, I'm putting a wedding shower together at work too (as if I have the time). It all for a greater cause though...I am going to happier after all of this...right?

Highlights...I have amazing friends and family that are helping with the house. A friend inviting me to dinner was a simple pleasure that kept me sane last night for a a few hours. Of course, I can't have a melt down in front of someone...they will know I'm human and feel way to much sometimes. Frustration and lack of manners of the people putting in the flooring might send me over the edge too. I have manners, I respect people who have manners, I tolerate those who don't, but when you start fucking with time tables, I can't always promise I will keep myself in check. Thus far, I have. I feel slightly insane though. Alas, I will continue with my act, and hope no one notices the melt down on the inside. At the very least Ikea was a relaxing adventure, and tonight I am taking the night off.

On a side note: I found in some of my friendships lately to value someone's honesty, openness, and thoughtfulness...not to mention manners. It made a small difference to me, and that's worth noting.

"I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."  Maya Angelou

Heart - Crazy On You

Mantra for the day

Remember this...

 
"Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could."

This is beautiful...it applies to so many things. I think of friendship more than anything else. 

Another point

"We need to give each other the space to grow, to be ourselves, to exercise our diversity. We need to give each other space so that we may both give and receive such beautiful things as ideas, openness, dignity, joy, healing, and inclusion."

Another mile marker passed today. One that was long on the horizon but seemed forever to reach. I am coming to a point in a journey that has been long awaited for a conclusion. This is a scary, horrifying, and nerve-racking adventure that  I am hoping will have the end results that I want. That being said...many thoughts occurred to me during this whole process, I need to dump out and sort through it...

Perfection seems to be something most people strive for, I am certainly no different. Much like the first bowls of porridge Goldilocks tired, life seems to play out in my own mind that things can be "perfect" in the manner that is close to what I am looking for, but never quite just right.  This used to drive me crazy...enter control freak mode, and learning to deal with the curve balls life throws at you. (not everything is perfect or going to be done your way) I used to stress out and get frustrated, now I can roll with just about anything, if I just have a moment to process the change going on. For me now, pefection in my own life is at least trying be the best I can, and if I fail, but I tried, I can live with that. There are ways I still learn everyday to cope with not being the best I can be all the time...but still have to realize,  I am only human (that is okay to be that way).  I  tend to look at life as a machine with each widget, gear, and cog playing it's parts to make the whole run smoothly. Stable environments, a home, family, friends, activities, job, and maybe someday a husband and kids (or maybe not) these are easy goals. Things I want and should be able to maintain and have. BUT...

Upon serious reflection on my own life. I am coming to terms with a number of unresolved issues, and trying to overcome major insecurities. This not something to tackle all at once...but it helps to think it over some. There are many forms of perfection. I started this writing thinking about looks, but found a little deeper meaning in thinking it over more and relating it to life.

"Love one another and help others to rise to the higher levels, simply by pouring out love. Love is infectious and the greatest healing energy."

Alison Krauss - When You Say Nothing At All

Making me think...

Did you know that those who appear to be very strong, often are the most sensitive?
Did you know that those who spend all their time taking care of others, can be the one that needs to be taken care of?
Did you know that the three things that are hardest to say are: I love you, I'm sorry, and Help me!
 

I saw this on a status on Facebook on Wednesday, and I wanted to remember it. It really struck a nerve...relating in some surprising fashions.