Golf ball love...

Basket of pretty golf balls!

The prettiest one of all!

Happiness has been a tough thing to find this year. Learning to relive life again has proven to be an uphill battle at times. I still doubt myself, a lot from time to time, only to realize that doubt is not very necessary. Surprisingly, I have made it to the end of December despite being very ill for most of the month. My birthday was a wonderful time with a company Christmas party being held the same day, surrounded by family and friends. Christmas was a joyous time with many friends and family around to celebrate in a truly wonderful way.  A feeling of love, happiness, and being thankful for everything I went through this year still left me with a smile on face. I made more baskets this year, and they were a hit. It was nice to be able to make people happy and smile with little effort on my part. Just enough to let people know you care. That was the best I could ever get back. The second best gift was GOLF BALLS. A woman whom is like my sister brought me enough golf balls to last me certainly threw several seasons! It was one of the best presents I received. Some had butterflies which is a personal favorite, some say princess (for that ego of mine), and the one I got around my birthday has a dragon fly, and it's purple. I couldn't ask for something better than this. Silly as it may seem, it made me smile all day.

Quotes for the day

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two." -St. Augustine

“I can give you a definite perhaps”

“Excellence is not a singular act, but a habit. You are what you repeatedly do.”

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life's realities.”  -Dr. Seuss

"I believe that a simple and unassuming manner of life is best for everyone, best both for the body and the mind."-Albert Einstein 

Flowers, flowers & more flowers!

Beautiful Flowers! My favorites!

Pretty anonymous flowers!
"May your day be as wonderful as you are"

 

"More anonymous flowers"

"My favorite flowers"

Nice thoughts from a few people. Roses are my favorite by far. The others are quite nice as well! I really like fresh flowers. The make my office smell wonderful.

Faith No More - RV

Something to chew on.

As I was driving home tonight thinking about life, several thoughts occurred to me, I decided I wanted to remember some of these. This line of thinking was geared more for my love life.  Few ideas on the one in a million person out there who will get me, and be the person to just blow my mind. These are the deal breakers.

Serious love of music. Whether it's playing it or just a serious music appreciation. Diversity is key, loving different types, and having love for the beauty in it.

Very like minded, similar ways of thinking, ideas, and understanding. Ahhh... but the catch, but different enough in the way that keeps my attention. I don't want or need someone just like me. Just someone who gets it.

Excellent sense of silly, insane, goofy humor. I like the odd ball things, and laugh at things only a few would get and laugh at. I like to laugh, but I love to laugh with someone else who is laughing for the same reason.

They must read, and enjoy doing so. It's one of my favorite things ever, a love to share with someone else. Being introduced to new material, or have someone open to new material. Excellent. 


Surprise me,very few people ever do.. It really isn't hard. Remembering those little things about me, details. The kind that catches me off guard...that someone was paying attention when I wasn't.
 
Someone who works for what they have. Nope, don't need my drive or ambition, but they need to want some more for themselves and not take it at others expenses.

Don't expect me to want anything from them. I can take care of myself just fine. But to want to give me something. That's different. Not petty or even material things, I don't need someone to buy me anything. Again covered. Sweet, thoughtful, not closed off to me, it's amazing how big a difference that makes.

Intelligence. Communication. Common sense. Kindness. Manners, Straight forwardness, honesty, and some serious integrity.

More gibberish to wash out of my head, move on to something else. Just a few note worthy thoughts to myself. To love the chase, the romance, and happy fairytale ending, it's a fun idea. I have that desire to want more with someone, for the long-term. I am not so much on thinking I need to find it. Things have seemed to find me all on it's own quite well.  One in a million sounds about right.

My new favorite passion.

On Friday, I took half a day off from work and treated myself to my first round of golf on the course. I have been taking lessons now for just over a couple months, five in total so far, mostly working on my swing and stance. I bought my first set of clubs in July, and went to the driving range like a fiend for most of the summer. There is just something about smacking the hell out of those little balls that makes me feel better. I had not had the nerve to go and play 18 or even 9 holes, as it intimated me to think I would not do well. I moved beyond that though, and came to the realization... I enjoy this, and of course I am going to suck at it the first few times! I am in no way a natural athlete, that skip my dominant genes, but lots of practice has shown me that I, maybe one day can be decent. This is promising. One of the side favorites to all of this, is the cute outfits, to get to drive around the golf carts, and drink--that alone is a fun afternoon!  I made it through all 18 holes with a coworker, and finished with the same ball I started with. This was progress and I enjoyed myself so very much. A new passion turned into a possible love, who would have thought! Some of the new gear helps support breast cancer awareness, even better cause!

Clubs & the cart. I didn't even wreck it!

Hole 18! I made it!

And, I learned about the 19th hole. I like it the best!

Laughing so hard it hurts.

"A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life."

 

There is nothing better in life than the love of friends who would cheer you up amidst the challenging day that now lay behind us. Tomorrow a new day and more life to live and enjoy. I will deal will it as it comes, as always. Best news of the day...It's statical fact only 4 out of 5 are nothing more than a mass. That is good. That is better odds. I can deal with that. True friends do the silliness right along with you. Blessed, no. Thankful, by choice. Grateful by experience. 

 

No bullshit here! Plenty of love, humor and amazing support. 

 

Oh, of course the vodka, pizza, and bread-sticks helped too!

 

“Try as much as possible to be wholly alive, with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell and when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough" Laugh until it hurts, until you are crying and it comes out your nose!

There are those times

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

Faith No More - I started a joke

This is good.

I don't like you.

Today, I don't like you. Tomorrow, I might be able to not cringe at the sound of your name. Blissful indifference will once again set in, and you will be just a forgotten memory. But today, I don't like you. I don't like the disrespect that you have shown, and the way you weirdly keep popping up in my life. This is just a small splinter to remove and  be tossed away.

I figure it is best to be happy as I have been, and surround myself with the people who love me, but I still don't like you. Instead of pushing for every negative thing in this world to throw at you, and bring down on you, I refrained and once again will be the bigger and better person. Not perfect mind you, but certainly a healthier and happier person, one who learned from past mistakes, and showed compassion when I didn't have to.

Joan Jett - Love Hurts

Love hurts, love scars, love wounds and mars
Any heart not tough nor strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud holds a lot of rain
Love hurts, love hurts

I may be slow, but even so
I know a thing or two, Ive learned from you
Ive really learned a lot, really learned a lot
Love is like a flame, burns you when its hot
Love hurts, love hurts

Some fools rave of happiness, blissfullness, togetherness
Some fools fool themselves I guess
But theyre not fooling me

I know it isnt true, know it isnt true
Love is just a lie, made to make you blue
Love hurts, love hurts

I know it isnt true, know it isnt true
Love is just a lie, made to make you blue




Love hurts, love hurts

More things I've learned

• Yoga is a great form of stretching and relaxation. I can bend in ways that I could not before.
• I love the feel of silk and satin on my skin. 
• I am really good at managing the hours in the day, especially when most days, there are not enough to fit it all in.
• I have so many friends that are unique and wonderful, that they make all the difference in my life.
• I love to go bike riding on Saturday mornings on the path. I look forward to it.
• I still like quiet nights at home.
• I can drive a forklift.
• I can drink "Old Crow" bourbon like a champ.
• Dating is super fun, most of the time. Except for long nose hair. Gross.
• I can hit the ball straighter and sorta where it needs to go in golf. Improvement.
• Swing dancing and waltz's are something else I can do.  
• I still love to watch movies. 
• I am reading the best books, and understanding so much more with the right verbage.
• I fully endorse the "shake-weight".
• I wake up happy most days.

A Lesson.

"I figure, you know, if you treat people right, you can only hope that they treat you right. It's as simple as it gets in this complicated world."

 There are moments and choices to where a person comes to a crossroad in life. One must stand back and look down the road  traveled, to decide where that direction is to take them forward.  Looking at the hard lessons learned, in vain, not to repeat them, and try to grow from them. Finding  a way to face the challenges before him with a balance within, to live a better life, and grow as a person. Life is an endless journey of tragedy, sorrow, joy, pain, and happiness. Nothing is ever written in stone, and can be forgiven in time, but not to be repeated. Making everything better all at once is a temporary fix, it will dull the pain, but it will not solve all the issues. They will resurface, they will still need to be dealt with. Having enough inner strength to face all of life's challenges takes time, it takes practice. Being happy with one's self is hard and not always easy. Nothing is ever perfect, but it can be balanced and manged, even in one's darkest hour. Courage, strength, and laughter are the keys that provide a stable foundation to which a better life can be found. Even if it is down the road not yet traveled. 

Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb [LIVE]

Another strong dose of happy.

“When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others.” 

What a great weekend! Started off right with a silly company function (only some of us are smarter than 5th graders!)  I got two new pairs of glasses. Sexy librarian...oh yeah! Came home to put together my last bookcase, and all the books are out of the attic. Woo-hoo! Home is starting to look like a brand new place, didn't even have the moving cost. Computer hooked up to the television, easy enough to watch movies w/ netflix, and of course...more Sunny! Just got to find the perfect chair...

Working more and more, always a good thing. Finding a groove and balance is wonderful. Life is settling into something to be proud of, just work, work and more work. I like to work, so not such a bad thing, but still it's work. Cooking and going to Amy's anniversary party was the highlight of the weekend. How can you resist playing with Simon, he is such a sexy fellow. Word is, he sure gets around! Which we all got a little time with him! The baskets as always, were a huge hit. That's always makes me very happy to see someone else smile (or grin).

It was mentioned in passing how comfortable we all have come. This is a great and important thing. Settling into a calmer life, putting the past woes behind us, and moving forward. This is comforting. We can not change the past, we can only learn and choose to  try to be better. I like this. I love my life, my family, the new things I try, and several people that have become family. I like the silliness, I like the intelligence, I like the humor that never stops, but most of all I like being happy. My step-dad says to me last week "I have never seen you happier, I am glad." This made me stop and think. Yep, that's true. I have been plenty happy over the years, but nothing like this. Spending time with a close friend more one on one, was wonderful too. He makes me smile. I like that. Seeing my lovely nieces for a while yesterday reminded me of all the wonderful old friends I have, I saw I am really lucky.

I have dance class tonight. What a great thing to do, something I have always wanted to do. I did it. That has been my motto, "I did it". Words to live by. Wonderful all around. Can always be better, and even worse, but right now. It's wonderful.

Dancing a little dance...

This week it feels like fall. I love it! Something about this time of year with the end of summer, and the promise of the holidays not far off makes me a little more focused on life. So many changes in the works, hard to find the time to do them all, although, they must be done. A biggie is the dancing lessons... Woo-hoo! I finally started...and it was amusing to say the least. I fumbled part of the class, stepped on Phil's toes, but managed to pull it out at the end and get the first steps of the waltz down. Bonus! Open dance Friday night, should be a good time. Light on my toes, I might be just yet. More practice afterward at the bar. HA! Only to crack up, and a reason to have another drink. Hey, after all, someone played me a song and I was in good company! A over-whelming feeling of happiness struck me as I was coming home last night, and all I could do was smile. Been traveling down that long road in memory lane a lot lately, and there are many good ones in there. There are bad, but focusing beyond that is helping. Coming to terms with life is a constant struggle. Wishing others well, even now. I still hope for the best for people. Life is hard enough without wishing bad things on others. If something happens, it is always good to remember it happened, and take what lessons you can from it. Creating new and happy memories has kept me together, and even pushed me forward. Good things come to those who wait. This is for sure.

Finding happiness in simple things

As I find myself looking to books for answers to questions I will never have answers to...I also find something more, something unexpected. Doors are opening in my mind I didn't even know were there. Experiences that I craved for so long, they finally came. In spades. Nothing in my life is perfect, never will be, but it is certainly different. Unique and amazing people I have always known throughout my life, but this is different, I have a level of comfort I have not had in a longtime. Great minds and all I hear...but truly great people.

One of my favorites and closest is just a rock for me, she will do something of the silliest and craziest stuff right along with me. Sister is not close enough to appreciate the kind of bond and friendship formed there.


Going to a Grateful Dead cover show...




Toasting 4th of July...



Going to Chicago and seeing amazing things...and of course being silly.



Laughing so hard everyday, remembering that life can be fun too.


Getting down at our lil' whole in the wall bar...where everyone kinda knows are names!


Her supporting my love of golf...even though I am terrible!



Even trying herself...



Someone to share creme horns with ;)




Fist pumping and face humping...laughing our asses off the whole time!



Finding no other reason in the world just to find happiness in something beautiful...and a reason to smile. Fields of sunflowers a couple times.





There has been a change in my life, and not always for the better. It has not always been the easiest to let go of a life that didn't make me truly happy for a longtime. Making the best of the little things has changed me, a positive person I try to be, and sometimes fail horribly, but having someone to laugh right along side me is the best gift I have had in a very longtime. Sunflowers, tears, laughing when everything is terrible that we just enjoy the little things, but we laugh so hard we choke and it comes out ours noses... is priceless.

non è possibile cambiare il passato

So looking back, I realize what a jackass I was. Great. Life is truly not a fairytale no matter how much you want it to be. I have this sign over my door that reads..."It's never to late to live happily ever after." I believe that, but I think it needs context. Defining what that context is for myself is a work in progress. Getting over the past is something I need to work on. I guess I am trying, I am not dwelling, just keep remembering. Wish I could turn that off! I keep thinking... I lost so many years of my life to something that did not turn out for the the best...guess what? I didn't, that is a pity party line!

I lived my life, I was myself, and I gave a really great try to something that FAILED. I can deal with that. What makes me happy has not changed. I am simple when it comes to really getting excited about something... less disappointment when you find joy in the things you can make happen for yourself. The reality of life is that when you put to much stock in others to deliver your happiness, they are going to fail. They are going to hurt you, they are going to put their needs first. As they should. I am guilty of it, who isn't? I have always known that people disappoint, I hate to do that to someone. But that's just life. I give and I take. I hurt and have been hurt. I wouldn't trade those experiences for anything. It made me a better, stronger and more open-minded person...

But the ugly bitter side of me is hateful and angry sometimes that it was wasted. I made that life, and have to live with the aftermath of it. However it plays out...I choose now to see the sliver lining the best I can. Guess I am lucky it is just me, no kids to fuck up, that is a bonus. Talking about children today, I realized I love them, the idea of a family. I do, but there's a reason I haven't had them. Looking at the odd relationship I have with my own parents. I just don't think it is for me, weird to say that out loud again, but maybe it isn't a deal breaker after all. Whose to say really. I thought a lot of things... only to see that it was smoke and mirrors. I guess answers will come in time. I cannot change the past, but I am unsteady about the future still. Wish it were easier sometimes...White knight to save the day...LOL. Only to resent him! Ha! Reality. Love it always.

Five Finger Death-Punch Walk Away

I'm sorry,
for the demon I've become,
You should be sorry,
for the angel you are not,
I apologize,
for the cruel things that I did,
But I don't regret,
one single word I said,

Just walk away make it easy on yourself,
Just walk away please release me from this hell,
Just walk away there's just nothing left to feel,
Just walk away pretend that none of this is real,

Could you forgive me,
if I told you that I cared,
Would you be sorry,
if I swore that I'd be there,
Please forgive me,
for laughing when you fall,
I'm so sorry,
but I never cared at all,

Just walk away make it easy on yourself,
Just walk away please release me from this hell,
Just walk away there's just nothing left to feel,
Just walk away pretend that none of this is none of this is,

Just walk away make it easy on us both,
Just walk away there was never any hope,
Just walk away you already know the deal,
Just walk away pretend that none of this was ...none of this was real

Supermassive Black Hole (lyrics and Twilight videos)

Ooh, baby don't you know I suffer?
Oh, baby can you hear me moan?
You caught me under false pretenses
How long before you let me go?

Ooh, you set my soul alight
Ooh, you set my soul alight

Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive
(Ooh, you set my soul alight)
Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive
(Ooh, you set my soul)

I thought I was a fool for no one
But ooh, baby I'm a fool for you
You're the queen of the superficial
And how long before you tell the truth?

Ooh, you set my soul alight
Ooh, you set my soul alight

Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive
(Ooh, you set my soul alight)
Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive
(Ooh, you set my soul)

Supermassive black hole
Supermassive black hole
Supermassive black hole
Supermassive black hole

Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive
Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive

Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive
(Ooh, you set my soul alight)
Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive
(Ooh, you set my soul)

Supermassive black hole
Supermassive black hole
Supermassive black hole
Supermassive black hole

Moonlight Sonata

Sweet Sounds is a much needed thing morning. Stupid me, pokes myself in the eye with a hair brush, my ass still hurts, and I still feel a little sicker than I did either Saturday or Sunday. MEH

Life

I am wildly independent and very strong-willed. I believe in doing things for yourself and making something out of nothing. (Not that this applies to all areas of my life, nor do I hold anyone else to these same ideas and/or standards.) I am giving to a fault...I hear someone needs something, if I happen to have it, I will gladly part with it. After all it’s just stuff. I love to help people if I am able, and I do not need anything in return. Helping others seems to make me happy. (I still try and figure out why this is.) I have known many people to try and take advantage of this. I do not stand for it that is one of those angry buttons that is easy to push with me. Sometimes I tend to overdo things I take on, because I am capable of doing it well and that still surprises me. I thrive on my strengths and play on them. This scares some, motivates others, and there is a handful that just watches and wonders.
I heard more times this week that I am an Overachiever, more than I ever heard in my life. Actually, I have never heard that. I have been described as Determined, Motivated, Free Thinker, Intelligent, Independent…& a few others. Overachiever? Who me? Never.
Or am I? Turns out they might be right. I looked it up:
“Overachiever: one who achieves success over and above the standard or expected level especially at an early age. The labels are based on a static and incomplete understanding of the nature of intelligence. The ability to concentrate to work in a dedicated manner cannot be separated from a person's "native" or "raw" intelligence in any meaningfully testable way.”
I would not have pegged myself that way, but if I am going to do something, I hate to do it half way. So yeah, guess I am. Not such a bad thing, but still makes me cringe and/or twitch. It is still hard to hear positive and encouraging feedback about myself, a lesson still in the works there. What a big change from what I listened to for so many years. Makes me run for the psychology books even faster! That little hobby is something that has paid off in dealing with a mentally ill (straight crazy) person for nearly a decade. Looking for answers to questions about myself that end up leading more to answer to others reactions to things, and how to deal with them. Mind Fuck MUCH! So very glad that is over and done with! Although, this week added another chapter to what I thought was a finished tale.
It begins with a nice quiet couple of weeks of not hearing from him at all, then the email, quick phone call at work on Monday. Manage to make it to Wednesday afternoon before I had to think anything about it again. Standing in the bank after having to take the worlds latest lunch I'm playing with my droid…Facebook email comes in from a longtime friend (that was friends with both him and I). I knew he had been a good friend and reached out and let ****** stay with him recently, so I have been avoiding any type of contact as to avoid any issues. Well, this was the email of all emails for the day.
“I’m not trying to get you involved nor would I mention your name but ******* in a bad way right now, worse than ever…. he pulled his gun on me over making ****** leave the house i was letting him stay at then proceeded to pistol whip me and rob me.”
So well, just yeah. Standing in the middle of the bank I start to feel sick, of course I threw up. Panic attack much-- a little one. I proceed to leave work and started talking to this friend (to make sure he’s ok) and then hear the whole sordid story… which made me sick again. The basic facts are that people are being threatened and I am slightly in fear of my safety again. Great! Just what I need. So, by Friday after a couple more calls to the officer I have been talking too, I have grounds for a RO, because thankfully the friend called the police and had a police report. This is horrible for my friend (I might add the friend is ok) but shows he’s violent.
Downfall side note to Friday …it was a long day for the amount of time I was at work. I woke up that morning choking on my own coughs and feeling like a truck hit me, I cannot call off because the phones needed to STILL be covered and no one likes to do it (can’t blame them), so I worked half a day, then went to the doctor’s office. Well that was no picnic either, I ended up with three shots in the ass (quicker to feel better I am told) and getting blood drawn. MEH...all around.
I come home to foul emails from him, and I knew he called up to work before I had left. Last straw, after months of stupid harassment I called and had an officer come out and make another report. Only this time, they told me because of his earlier actions in the week, I will get what I need. So any phone calls, emails, or whatever else--he can be arrested for. Thanks goodness! Woo-hoo! There is going to be some sort of fall out when they serve him I know, but that strong willed person will deal. Probably buy another psych book, I still do not understand. Probably never will. People.

George Carlin Talks About "Stuff"

Things I have learned

I am never going to rule to world.

There are not midgets living under my bed.

I am never to be a great writer or poet.

I am very weird.

Caring is still ok to do. Being a good person is still a core attribute.

I am not that athletic, and hate to run. But I just might be ok in golf with practice. (lots of it)

There are people in this world who think I am something special.

Free Will is one of the greatest things out there.

Sometimes I talk way too much, and most things are best not said.(Even if I lose a pint of blood biting my tongue.)

I have some of the best friends anyone could ask for.

I can get up and go to work every morning, even for the “man”. I still like working for myself.

Music is and always has been an outlet for my deepest emotions. Even though I can’t play a note, sometimes it makes all the difference.

I can’t control everything. This was an important one.

The things I can control and be proactive on, to do. Not put everything off.

One day-- I will love someone, when I am ready.

I can hunt cows in the woods with a thermal imaging camera.

Faith No More Easy like sunday morning

Came across this in listening to a few tracks, love this song. The cover is great. After a week like this..well yeah. This is what I needed. Alas, I am hoping the candles, wine, and new book will just burn away the extra stuff running around in my mind. The workout tonight was not as intense and only did it a little to make me relax. No golf today though, can't do it everyday--don't want to get burnt out on it. I am having a good time with it, and really want to do more. One bigger step...more baby steps.

Piano Man with Lyrics

Food for my thoughts...

Hmmmmmm... We all, I think, want to be loved, cared about, and to know that we are special to someone. Many times we can be with other people in relationships of all kinds (friends, lovers, marriage, family even) and still miss this feeling of belonging with someone. Having love for someone is not the same as being loved by that same person when you still feel utterly alone. (at least for me) I spent way to long trying to figure that one out...overkill on that thought. Only conclusion I got...I want someone I can be happy with, who likes all nutty things about me, makes me laugh, and challenges my thinking, calls me out when I am wrong, lives a life with me, but still has one of their own. Someone one who is like me, but different, someone who wants more in life, but wants to work to get it. Funny, kindness, music, books, goals, dreams, are the simplest of wants, but damn, seems a little hard to find. I guess patience is a good lesson to remember here.

How many times in the last ten years of my life have I just gotten up and did the robot routine? I did learn patience that way. Countless times, everyday for years. Not because I didn't feel, because I settled for something that was not the right thing for me and had to think that, was going to be it, so deal with it. I still right now -- am wondering if there is a person out there that I can get along with, tolerate without going crazy. Silly moods strike me at times, and I have no idea which way is up or down, or even where thoughts are going, until the problem has seem to work itself out in my own head. Most thoughts are mixed and jumbled up into a rambling mess. I start wondering if I just shouldn't go run and hide, and not come back out. Social as I am and can be, there are little moments when I rather snuggle up with a good book, or watch a marathon of the same damn shows all day long. What a insane mix of one extreme to another I am...but making it work all the same, in the happy middle. Little bit of the left brain, little bit of the right, certainly a healthy mix of that overlap!  Ugh. I like it, but I don't. I like people, but I don't. I want a relationship...but I really don't. Dating...No sir. Not fond of that either, finding I am more prone to cancel about an hour before out of nerves and just not wanting to deal. This is for no one and everyone. This is for me to remember, to say it is ok to be picky and know why. I can be alone too, sometimes prefer it, but it is nice to dream about something special.

Just call me Alice...

Finding that balance between liking people and hating people has become a fine line to walk for me... Where do these people come from? Out of a test tube...brought up by wolves? I generally can deal with people for the short term and some long term without major breaks...but I am willing to crawl in a deep hole with a few books and not come out for a while. This is how backwards everything is. Loving and hating, drama that I am involved in, but not a part of... sigh...and wow. When can it just be simple and straight forward? Being sweet gets me about as far as being a bitch. Damn. I would rather be sweet. That isn't going to work for this situation. ICK. Bitch face needs practice...sad face for that.

On the brighter side of things...I have never enjoyed a hour of my time alone as I did today. I sat outside at a great little place, with my favorite book of all time, had a titillating drink, and a piece of salmon that melted in my mouth. Listening to a busy city around me, I was just content in that very moment. Small moments go a very long way.


Down the rabbit hole I go...

Dixie Chicks - Landslide (normal version + lyrics)

So it broke...

"It is cruel, you know, that music should be so beautiful. It has the beauty of loneliness of pain: of strength and freedom. The beauty of disappointment and never-satisfied love. The cruel beauty of nature and everlasting beauty of monotony."Benjamin Britten

The dam breaks and finally flows free –it will not stop. A flood of tears. They just keep coming. Finally. Washing away everything --the last speck of a life that once was --hopes, dreams, love -- everything that was and will never be. The emptiness and loss is almost too much to comprehend. A bittersweet melody plays around me, it is soothing that hurt. Giving me the courage to go forward --or at least ebbing the hurt to a dull roar.

Emotions start to fade, being dulled back down into a life that now is. Something new. Something with unlimited potential and ideas. A reason to look down the road and see something better. New hope, new dreams and the limitless possibilities for happiness. New.

bittersweet

Storms

The clap of thunder wakes me out of a dreamless sleep. The darkness around me makes me wonder where I am. Home…Right. Alone. Again. Thinking without thinking. Listening to the sounds of a passing storm, much like my own heart and mind. Intense for a few moments…then fading into quiet.

There is a long silence that is within me that stirs in the early morning hours. There is this bubbly energy that keeps me going and getting up every day that pours out of me to make it through the whole day. Where do these two things meet? Where is that line of balance that keeps me from falling over the edge? I know solid morals and values are instilled deep within there, it keeps me from going just too far. It gives me peace, sadness, love and a sense of guilt. But it does not always give me the answers. I need answers. There is not a single answer to give. I am not even sure of the questions. There is a bunch of nothing. Silly, giggly, excited laughter that borders on the edge of slap happy hysteria. Like a zombie, constantly being awake, but not thinking, just doing. Doing, doing and more doing. Where this is new sometimes scary and exciting road taking me?

What am I doing with these new people? Where is everyone else? What happened to my life? WTF happened to me? Awww…then I remember. I let it go. I loved myself first. I remembered a part of me that makes me happier. I remember that it is ok to have friends and let people close again. I might get hurt, but I survived this round. What does not kill you, makes you stronger. At least me. I need that. I need to remember that. I need to stop being so afraid.

I will try.

That feeling

I shudder at the mere thought of someone getting under my skin again. To stir up deep feelings that I do not know how to handle, without serious control in place. Happy Neutral Face…Death grip on control ensues…

I would almost be embarrassed, had people not been so supportive and telling me it is not me. It is hard not to feel insecure and tiny. I was good, I was caring to a point that all of this brings me to my knees, I loved and never once cheated. Nor was I perfect, I learned valuable lessons, but I know I can love, trust and be that person to lean on for someone else. There is something to be said for that. I am not bitter, just tired of the heartache. Know me, like me, love me, or don't. I will be loyal to the ones in my life who are just there to be there.

I would rather be neutral and quiet with what is going on in my heart. I share what I can, when I can. Questions often rattle around in my brain without being answered…stresses form and take over, to be forced to be forgotten about. Most recently many forms of Grass helps to dull it away. Does this really help? No, but I can try. Constantly being busy buys me the time to not think about it. So asking and asking is so very annoying, but it is just a distraction to larger problems at hand. Sitting down…reading, thinking, drinking, making and being with new friends are the simple things that make me the happiest.

Dating…it is just a distraction, getting away from the serious craziness that I do not even participate in, but am in the middle of. How long am I supposed to be punished and hurt? Is it fair? No, of course not. Having a crush…keeps me distracted in a silly way, going on dates entertains me. It is all a great idea, but still does not mean I am going to be ready for all the rest. Baby steps. Getting to know great and interesting people.

Finding the creative outlet I love so dearly in Music-- has saved me. Touching a place so deep in me…I just might have a soul. There are no words to describe what it does. Surrounding me like a big hug… telling me, "It will be okay." I need that. Tonight is going to be a reason to get up tomorrow… Music. Something beautiful.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

Muppet Show Moreno and Animal

A start.

There are times when you reflect back on your life so far, and wonder a million different ways...What could I have done differently...or even better? The simplest answer is, there is not a simple answer. At the inspiration of some of the current influences in my life, I am trying something new. I am terrified at the mere thought of someone else reading what I feel and think in my heart of hearts. Trying is all I can do right now, so this is it. Honest it is.

Picking up the pieces that is called my life, has been a slightly more than disturbing experience for me in the last eight weeks. Everything I once knew is gone, a whole lifetime just wiped out from being there anymore. But I am so thankful for it. A little crazy, a little outside my comfort zone has been good for me. But I am terrified. New work place, new friends, new adjustments, and dating. This is not for the faint of heart, it is tough. Selective doesn't even cover it, unsure, awkward, and scared. Not knowing which way is up and learning about people is hard. Getting to know people has been the best thing for me. It makes that dating thing the very least of my worries, more of a fun amusement, but a good cover for distracting the heartache. One day, one step at a time. Breathing deep, and giving it a chance. That's a place to start.

"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours." Henry David Thoreau