So it broke...

"It is cruel, you know, that music should be so beautiful. It has the beauty of loneliness of pain: of strength and freedom. The beauty of disappointment and never-satisfied love. The cruel beauty of nature and everlasting beauty of monotony."Benjamin Britten

The dam breaks and finally flows free –it will not stop. A flood of tears. They just keep coming. Finally. Washing away everything --the last speck of a life that once was --hopes, dreams, love -- everything that was and will never be. The emptiness and loss is almost too much to comprehend. A bittersweet melody plays around me, it is soothing that hurt. Giving me the courage to go forward --or at least ebbing the hurt to a dull roar.

Emotions start to fade, being dulled back down into a life that now is. Something new. Something with unlimited potential and ideas. A reason to look down the road and see something better. New hope, new dreams and the limitless possibilities for happiness. New.

That feeling

I shudder at the mere thought of someone getting under my skin again. To stir up deep feelings that I do not know how to handle, without serious control in place. Happy Neutral Face…Death grip on control ensues…

I would almost be embarrassed, had people not been so supportive and telling me it is not me. It is hard not to feel insecure and tiny. I was good, I was caring to a point that all of this brings me to my knees, I loved and never once cheated. Nor was I perfect, I learned valuable lessons, but I know I can love, trust and be that person to lean on for someone else. There is something to be said for that. I am not bitter, just tired of the heartache. Know me, like me, love me, or don't. I will be loyal to the ones in my life who are just there to be there.

I would rather be neutral and quiet with what is going on in my heart. I share what I can, when I can. Questions often rattle around in my brain without being answered…stresses form and take over, to be forced to be forgotten about. Most recently many forms of Grass helps to dull it away. Does this really help? No, but I can try. Constantly being busy buys me the time to not think about it. So asking and asking is so very annoying, but it is just a distraction to larger problems at hand. Sitting down…reading, thinking, drinking, making and being with new friends are the simple things that make me the happiest.

Dating…it is just a distraction, getting away from the serious craziness that I do not even participate in, but am in the middle of. How long am I supposed to be punished and hurt? Is it fair? No, of course not. Having a crush…keeps me distracted in a silly way, going on dates entertains me. It is all a great idea, but still does not mean I am going to be ready for all the rest. Baby steps. Getting to know great and interesting people.

Finding the creative outlet I love so dearly in Music-- has saved me. Touching a place so deep in me…I just might have a soul. There are no words to describe what it does. Surrounding me like a big hug… telling me, "It will be okay." I need that. Tonight is going to be a reason to get up tomorrow… Music. Something beautiful.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."