So looking back, I realize what a jackass I was. Great. Life is truly not a fairytale no matter how much you want it to be. I have this sign over my door that reads..."It's never to late to live happily ever after." I believe that, but I think it needs context. Defining what that context is for myself is a work in progress. Getting over the past is something I need to work on. I guess I am trying, I am not dwelling, just keep remembering. Wish I could turn that off! I keep thinking... I lost so many years of my life to something that did not turn out for the the best...guess what? I didn't, that is a pity party line!
I lived my life, I was myself, and I gave a really great try to something that FAILED. I can deal with that. What makes me happy has not changed. I am simple when it comes to really getting excited about something... less disappointment when you find joy in the things you can make happen for yourself. The reality of life is that when you put to much stock in others to deliver your happiness, they are going to fail. They are going to hurt you, they are going to put their needs first. As they should. I am guilty of it, who isn't? I have always known that people disappoint, I hate to do that to someone. But that's just life. I give and I take. I hurt and have been hurt. I wouldn't trade those experiences for anything. It made me a better, stronger and more open-minded person...
But the ugly bitter side of me is hateful and angry sometimes that it was wasted. I made that life, and have to live with the aftermath of it. However it plays out...I choose now to see the sliver lining the best I can. Guess I am lucky it is just me, no kids to fuck up, that is a bonus. Talking about children today, I realized I love them, the idea of a family. I do, but there's a reason I haven't had them. Looking at the odd relationship I have with my own parents. I just don't think it is for me, weird to say that out loud again, but maybe it isn't a deal breaker after all. Whose to say really. I thought a lot of things... only to see that it was smoke and mirrors. I guess answers will come in time. I cannot change the past, but I am unsteady about the future still. Wish it were easier sometimes...White knight to save the day...LOL. Only to resent him! Ha! Reality. Love it always.
Reality bites. Sometimes.
ReplyDeleteThat's the downside of having been a responsible woman of childbearing age, I guess. Seems like so many people don't actively CHOOSE parenthood, it just happens to them. And they go with it. It's different when one takes time and space to step back and really evaluate if it's something that one wants in a life. Sadly, we only get the one to live!