Thursday, July 22, 2010
Food for my thoughts...
Hmmmmmm... We all, I think, want to be loved, cared about, and to know that we are special to someone. Many times we can be with other people in relationships of all kinds (friends, lovers, marriage, family even) and still miss this feeling of belonging with someone. Having love for someone is not the same as being loved by that same person when you still feel utterly alone. (at least for me) I spent way to long trying to figure that one out...overkill on that thought. Only conclusion I got...I want someone I can be happy with, who likes all nutty things about me, makes me laugh, and challenges my thinking, calls me out when I am wrong, lives a life with me, but still has one of their own. Someone one who is like me, but different, someone who wants more in life, but wants to work to get it. Funny, kindness, music, books, goals, dreams, are the simplest of wants, but damn, seems a little hard to find. I guess patience is a good lesson to remember here.
How many times in the last ten years of my life have I just gotten up and did the robot routine? I did learn patience that way. Countless times, everyday for years. Not because I didn't feel, because I settled for something that was not the right thing for me and had to think that, was going to be it, so deal with it. I still right now -- am wondering if there is a person out there that I can get along with, tolerate without going crazy. Silly moods strike me at times, and I have no idea which way is up or down, or even where thoughts are going, until the problem has seem to work itself out in my own head. Most thoughts are mixed and jumbled up into a rambling mess. I start wondering if I just shouldn't go run and hide, and not come back out. Social as I am and can be, there are little moments when I rather snuggle up with a good book, or watch a marathon of the same damn shows all day long. What a insane mix of one extreme to another I am...but making it work all the same, in the happy middle. Little bit of the left brain, little bit of the right, certainly a healthy mix of that overlap! Ugh. I like it, but I don't. I like people, but I don't. I want a relationship...but I really don't. Dating...No sir. Not fond of that either, finding I am more prone to cancel about an hour before out of nerves and just not wanting to deal. This is for no one and everyone. This is for me to remember, to say it is ok to be picky and know why. I can be alone too, sometimes prefer it, but it is nice to dream about something special.
How many times in the last ten years of my life have I just gotten up and did the robot routine? I did learn patience that way. Countless times, everyday for years. Not because I didn't feel, because I settled for something that was not the right thing for me and had to think that, was going to be it, so deal with it. I still right now -- am wondering if there is a person out there that I can get along with, tolerate without going crazy. Silly moods strike me at times, and I have no idea which way is up or down, or even where thoughts are going, until the problem has seem to work itself out in my own head. Most thoughts are mixed and jumbled up into a rambling mess. I start wondering if I just shouldn't go run and hide, and not come back out. Social as I am and can be, there are little moments when I rather snuggle up with a good book, or watch a marathon of the same damn shows all day long. What a insane mix of one extreme to another I am...but making it work all the same, in the happy middle. Little bit of the left brain, little bit of the right, certainly a healthy mix of that overlap! Ugh. I like it, but I don't. I like people, but I don't. I want a relationship...but I really don't. Dating...No sir. Not fond of that either, finding I am more prone to cancel about an hour before out of nerves and just not wanting to deal. This is for no one and everyone. This is for me to remember, to say it is ok to be picky and know why. I can be alone too, sometimes prefer it, but it is nice to dream about something special.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Just call me Alice...
Finding that balance between liking people and hating people has become a fine line to walk for me... Where do these people come from? Out of a test tube...brought up by wolves? I generally can deal with people for the short term and some long term without major breaks...but I am willing to crawl in a deep hole with a few books and not come out for a while. This is how backwards everything is. Loving and hating, drama that I am involved in, but not a part of... sigh...and wow. When can it just be simple and straight forward? Being sweet gets me about as far as being a bitch. Damn. I would rather be sweet. That isn't going to work for this situation. ICK. Bitch face needs practice...sad face for that.
On the brighter side of things...I have never enjoyed a hour of my time alone as I did today. I sat outside at a great little place, with my favorite book of all time, had a titillating drink, and a piece of salmon that melted in my mouth. Listening to a busy city around me, I was just content in that very moment. Small moments go a very long way.
Down the rabbit hole I go...
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
So it broke...
"It is cruel, you know, that music should be so beautiful. It has the beauty of loneliness of pain: of strength and freedom. The beauty of disappointment and never-satisfied love. The cruel beauty of nature and everlasting beauty of monotony."Benjamin Britten
The dam breaks and finally flows free –it will not stop. A flood of tears. They just keep coming. Finally. Washing away everything --the last speck of a life that once was --hopes, dreams, love -- everything that was and will never be. The emptiness and loss is almost too much to comprehend. A bittersweet melody plays around me, it is soothing that hurt. Giving me the courage to go forward --or at least ebbing the hurt to a dull roar.
Emotions start to fade, being dulled back down into a life that now is. Something new. Something with unlimited potential and ideas. A reason to look down the road and see something better. New hope, new dreams and the limitless possibilities for happiness. New.
The dam breaks and finally flows free –it will not stop. A flood of tears. They just keep coming. Finally. Washing away everything --the last speck of a life that once was --hopes, dreams, love -- everything that was and will never be. The emptiness and loss is almost too much to comprehend. A bittersweet melody plays around me, it is soothing that hurt. Giving me the courage to go forward --or at least ebbing the hurt to a dull roar.
Emotions start to fade, being dulled back down into a life that now is. Something new. Something with unlimited potential and ideas. A reason to look down the road and see something better. New hope, new dreams and the limitless possibilities for happiness. New.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Storms
The clap of thunder wakes me out of a dreamless sleep. The darkness around me makes me wonder where I am. Home…Right. Alone. Again. Thinking without thinking. Listening to the sounds of a passing storm, much like my own heart and mind. Intense for a few moments…then fading into quiet.
There is a long silence that is within me that stirs in the early morning hours. There is this bubbly energy that keeps me going and getting up every day that pours out of me to make it through the whole day. Where do these two things meet? Where is that line of balance that keeps me from falling over the edge? I know solid morals and values are instilled deep within there, it keeps me from going just too far. It gives me peace, sadness, love and a sense of guilt. But it does not always give me the answers. I need answers. There is not a single answer to give. I am not even sure of the questions. There is a bunch of nothing. Silly, giggly, excited laughter that borders on the edge of slap happy hysteria. Like a zombie, constantly being awake, but not thinking, just doing. Doing, doing and more doing. Where this is new sometimes scary and exciting road taking me?
What am I doing with these new people? Where is everyone else? What happened to my life? WTF happened to me? Awww…then I remember. I let it go. I loved myself first. I remembered a part of me that makes me happier. I remember that it is ok to have friends and let people close again. I might get hurt, but I survived this round. What does not kill you, makes you stronger. At least me. I need that. I need to remember that. I need to stop being so afraid.
I will try.
There is a long silence that is within me that stirs in the early morning hours. There is this bubbly energy that keeps me going and getting up every day that pours out of me to make it through the whole day. Where do these two things meet? Where is that line of balance that keeps me from falling over the edge? I know solid morals and values are instilled deep within there, it keeps me from going just too far. It gives me peace, sadness, love and a sense of guilt. But it does not always give me the answers. I need answers. There is not a single answer to give. I am not even sure of the questions. There is a bunch of nothing. Silly, giggly, excited laughter that borders on the edge of slap happy hysteria. Like a zombie, constantly being awake, but not thinking, just doing. Doing, doing and more doing. Where this is new sometimes scary and exciting road taking me?
What am I doing with these new people? Where is everyone else? What happened to my life? WTF happened to me? Awww…then I remember. I let it go. I loved myself first. I remembered a part of me that makes me happier. I remember that it is ok to have friends and let people close again. I might get hurt, but I survived this round. What does not kill you, makes you stronger. At least me. I need that. I need to remember that. I need to stop being so afraid.
I will try.
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