Piano Man with Lyrics

Food for my thoughts...

Hmmmmmm... We all, I think, want to be loved, cared about, and to know that we are special to someone. Many times we can be with other people in relationships of all kinds (friends, lovers, marriage, family even) and still miss this feeling of belonging with someone. Having love for someone is not the same as being loved by that same person when you still feel utterly alone. (at least for me) I spent way to long trying to figure that one out...overkill on that thought. Only conclusion I got...I want someone I can be happy with, who likes all nutty things about me, makes me laugh, and challenges my thinking, calls me out when I am wrong, lives a life with me, but still has one of their own. Someone one who is like me, but different, someone who wants more in life, but wants to work to get it. Funny, kindness, music, books, goals, dreams, are the simplest of wants, but damn, seems a little hard to find. I guess patience is a good lesson to remember here.

How many times in the last ten years of my life have I just gotten up and did the robot routine? I did learn patience that way. Countless times, everyday for years. Not because I didn't feel, because I settled for something that was not the right thing for me and had to think that, was going to be it, so deal with it. I still right now -- am wondering if there is a person out there that I can get along with, tolerate without going crazy. Silly moods strike me at times, and I have no idea which way is up or down, or even where thoughts are going, until the problem has seem to work itself out in my own head. Most thoughts are mixed and jumbled up into a rambling mess. I start wondering if I just shouldn't go run and hide, and not come back out. Social as I am and can be, there are little moments when I rather snuggle up with a good book, or watch a marathon of the same damn shows all day long. What a insane mix of one extreme to another I am...but making it work all the same, in the happy middle. Little bit of the left brain, little bit of the right, certainly a healthy mix of that overlap!  Ugh. I like it, but I don't. I like people, but I don't. I want a relationship...but I really don't. Dating...No sir. Not fond of that either, finding I am more prone to cancel about an hour before out of nerves and just not wanting to deal. This is for no one and everyone. This is for me to remember, to say it is ok to be picky and know why. I can be alone too, sometimes prefer it, but it is nice to dream about something special.

Just call me Alice...

Finding that balance between liking people and hating people has become a fine line to walk for me... Where do these people come from? Out of a test tube...brought up by wolves? I generally can deal with people for the short term and some long term without major breaks...but I am willing to crawl in a deep hole with a few books and not come out for a while. This is how backwards everything is. Loving and hating, drama that I am involved in, but not a part of... sigh...and wow. When can it just be simple and straight forward? Being sweet gets me about as far as being a bitch. Damn. I would rather be sweet. That isn't going to work for this situation. ICK. Bitch face needs practice...sad face for that.

On the brighter side of things...I have never enjoyed a hour of my time alone as I did today. I sat outside at a great little place, with my favorite book of all time, had a titillating drink, and a piece of salmon that melted in my mouth. Listening to a busy city around me, I was just content in that very moment. Small moments go a very long way.


Down the rabbit hole I go...

Dixie Chicks - Landslide (normal version + lyrics)

So it broke...

"It is cruel, you know, that music should be so beautiful. It has the beauty of loneliness of pain: of strength and freedom. The beauty of disappointment and never-satisfied love. The cruel beauty of nature and everlasting beauty of monotony."Benjamin Britten

The dam breaks and finally flows free –it will not stop. A flood of tears. They just keep coming. Finally. Washing away everything --the last speck of a life that once was --hopes, dreams, love -- everything that was and will never be. The emptiness and loss is almost too much to comprehend. A bittersweet melody plays around me, it is soothing that hurt. Giving me the courage to go forward --or at least ebbing the hurt to a dull roar.

Emotions start to fade, being dulled back down into a life that now is. Something new. Something with unlimited potential and ideas. A reason to look down the road and see something better. New hope, new dreams and the limitless possibilities for happiness. New.

bittersweet

Storms

The clap of thunder wakes me out of a dreamless sleep. The darkness around me makes me wonder where I am. Home…Right. Alone. Again. Thinking without thinking. Listening to the sounds of a passing storm, much like my own heart and mind. Intense for a few moments…then fading into quiet.

There is a long silence that is within me that stirs in the early morning hours. There is this bubbly energy that keeps me going and getting up every day that pours out of me to make it through the whole day. Where do these two things meet? Where is that line of balance that keeps me from falling over the edge? I know solid morals and values are instilled deep within there, it keeps me from going just too far. It gives me peace, sadness, love and a sense of guilt. But it does not always give me the answers. I need answers. There is not a single answer to give. I am not even sure of the questions. There is a bunch of nothing. Silly, giggly, excited laughter that borders on the edge of slap happy hysteria. Like a zombie, constantly being awake, but not thinking, just doing. Doing, doing and more doing. Where this is new sometimes scary and exciting road taking me?

What am I doing with these new people? Where is everyone else? What happened to my life? WTF happened to me? Awww…then I remember. I let it go. I loved myself first. I remembered a part of me that makes me happier. I remember that it is ok to have friends and let people close again. I might get hurt, but I survived this round. What does not kill you, makes you stronger. At least me. I need that. I need to remember that. I need to stop being so afraid.

I will try.

That feeling

I shudder at the mere thought of someone getting under my skin again. To stir up deep feelings that I do not know how to handle, without serious control in place. Happy Neutral Face…Death grip on control ensues…

I would almost be embarrassed, had people not been so supportive and telling me it is not me. It is hard not to feel insecure and tiny. I was good, I was caring to a point that all of this brings me to my knees, I loved and never once cheated. Nor was I perfect, I learned valuable lessons, but I know I can love, trust and be that person to lean on for someone else. There is something to be said for that. I am not bitter, just tired of the heartache. Know me, like me, love me, or don't. I will be loyal to the ones in my life who are just there to be there.

I would rather be neutral and quiet with what is going on in my heart. I share what I can, when I can. Questions often rattle around in my brain without being answered…stresses form and take over, to be forced to be forgotten about. Most recently many forms of Grass helps to dull it away. Does this really help? No, but I can try. Constantly being busy buys me the time to not think about it. So asking and asking is so very annoying, but it is just a distraction to larger problems at hand. Sitting down…reading, thinking, drinking, making and being with new friends are the simple things that make me the happiest.

Dating…it is just a distraction, getting away from the serious craziness that I do not even participate in, but am in the middle of. How long am I supposed to be punished and hurt? Is it fair? No, of course not. Having a crush…keeps me distracted in a silly way, going on dates entertains me. It is all a great idea, but still does not mean I am going to be ready for all the rest. Baby steps. Getting to know great and interesting people.

Finding the creative outlet I love so dearly in Music-- has saved me. Touching a place so deep in me…I just might have a soul. There are no words to describe what it does. Surrounding me like a big hug… telling me, "It will be okay." I need that. Tonight is going to be a reason to get up tomorrow… Music. Something beautiful.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

Muppet Show Moreno and Animal

A start.

There are times when you reflect back on your life so far, and wonder a million different ways...What could I have done differently...or even better? The simplest answer is, there is not a simple answer. At the inspiration of some of the current influences in my life, I am trying something new. I am terrified at the mere thought of someone else reading what I feel and think in my heart of hearts. Trying is all I can do right now, so this is it. Honest it is.

Picking up the pieces that is called my life, has been a slightly more than disturbing experience for me in the last eight weeks. Everything I once knew is gone, a whole lifetime just wiped out from being there anymore. But I am so thankful for it. A little crazy, a little outside my comfort zone has been good for me. But I am terrified. New work place, new friends, new adjustments, and dating. This is not for the faint of heart, it is tough. Selective doesn't even cover it, unsure, awkward, and scared. Not knowing which way is up and learning about people is hard. Getting to know people has been the best thing for me. It makes that dating thing the very least of my worries, more of a fun amusement, but a good cover for distracting the heartache. One day, one step at a time. Breathing deep, and giving it a chance. That's a place to start.

"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours." Henry David Thoreau