Bryan Adams - Heaven

Struggle

I struggle to be that person, that image of a good person who always does the right thing. I don't. I am flawed. I am human. I do wrong. I do so much right that I feel it tries to over compensate for the person that I am inside. I can't always like everyone, every day, I just don't have it in me. I started this blog to help me heal, to grow, to remember. To start something that made me feel and remember those times that are so easily overlooked. How easy it is to just not feel, to let go of everything and self destruct. You don't mean to...but you do. To hurt the the people you love the most, not intentionally, but as a by-product of one's own emotional insecurities. It sucks. I am sometimes locked so deeply in my own emotional well being, I forget that other people feel too. Downward spiral, the battle of wills against myself. Strong-willed, but not strong enough just to let go, to move on and put myself in a better place, not a bitter place. That bitter place is a place I know well and deeply.

How often do we forget that we are not the center of the world...or the universe.

When the world we live in is based around everything that makes up a person...work, school, friends, family, it is all about perception and how much we can tolerate from others. Gibberish and everything that seems to make sense in the world--is always in the one moment of clarity. Time it does heal all wounds, and makes us forget the woes of the past, and yearn for the days that made us the most happy. --I think. It is almost to easy to forget to look at what we have in front of us, and not take it for granted. It's so damn easy just to not feel anything at all and go through life. We lose so much that way. But yet...we still go on.

I wake up every day and wonder what I have done with my life and if it was enough, but it will ever will be enough. I miss so very much, but yet at the same time I am thankful it's gone. What a paradox. Split mind. Yes.

I think I am so happy, but yet I am still unhappy. That is life. You are the only person that can make yourself happy. Truly happy. I wish I had all the answers...or at least some of them. No matter how many books I read, or people I know, there is only some questions that are really answered.

Bored.

Sitting here today, I realized, I am bored. Bored to tears over everyday mundane life details. I should be a happy as a clam. I built up to a life others wouldn't mind having, but selfish me...I'm bored! I am ready for some kind of bigger change, or closure to other details, ready for the constant drip that keeps falling out of the sky to stop.  Three different golf lessons have now been canceled, depressing. Maybe it's just the day, or the week, or leftover uncomfortableness from the weekend. All I know is I am bored. Uncomfortable about recent decisions I've made, and where on earth that is going to take me. Ugh, meh, with a side of blurg. Highlight of my week so far...watching Back to the Future 1,2 & 3 repeatedly. If only I could go back to the past. HA! Yoga and gym tonight, flexible and in shape before you know it. Alas, at least it's May and almost summer.

More favorite quotes...things not to forget.

"I believe opportunities that are given should be attempted, despite the outcome."-Me 

 “I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries”-Theodore Isaac Rubin

"Don't think or judge, just listen." 

“Nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.”-Oscar Wild

"No relationship is perfect, ever. There are always some ways you have to bend, to compromise, to give something up in order to gain something greater...The love we have for each other is bigger than these small differences. And that's the key. It's like a big pie chart, and the love in a relationship has to be the biggest piece. Love can make up for a lot." 

"I am coming to terms with the fact that loving someone requires a leap of faith, and that a soft landing is never guaranteed. " 

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”-Mahatma Gandhi

"Some things don't last forever, but some things do. Like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down on the corners and peering in close, hoping you still recognize the person you see there." 

“Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.”- C.S. Lewis

Frank Sinatra, My Way, With Lyrics

Golf ball love...

Basket of pretty golf balls!

The prettiest one of all!

Happiness has been a tough thing to find this year. Learning to relive life again has proven to be an uphill battle at times. I still doubt myself, a lot from time to time, only to realize that doubt is not very necessary. Surprisingly, I have made it to the end of December despite being very ill for most of the month. My birthday was a wonderful time with a company Christmas party being held the same day, surrounded by family and friends. Christmas was a joyous time with many friends and family around to celebrate in a truly wonderful way.  A feeling of love, happiness, and being thankful for everything I went through this year still left me with a smile on face. I made more baskets this year, and they were a hit. It was nice to be able to make people happy and smile with little effort on my part. Just enough to let people know you care. That was the best I could ever get back. The second best gift was GOLF BALLS. A woman whom is like my sister brought me enough golf balls to last me certainly threw several seasons! It was one of the best presents I received. Some had butterflies which is a personal favorite, some say princess (for that ego of mine), and the one I got around my birthday has a dragon fly, and it's purple. I couldn't ask for something better than this. Silly as it may seem, it made me smile all day.

Quotes for the day

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two." -St. Augustine

“I can give you a definite perhaps”

“Excellence is not a singular act, but a habit. You are what you repeatedly do.”

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life's realities.”  -Dr. Seuss

"I believe that a simple and unassuming manner of life is best for everyone, best both for the body and the mind."-Albert Einstein