Bryan Adams - Heaven

Struggle

I struggle to be that person, that image of a good person who always does the right thing. I don't. I am flawed. I am human. I do wrong. I do so much right that I feel it tries to over compensate for the person that I am inside. I can't always like everyone, every day, I just don't have it in me. I started this blog to help me heal, to grow, to remember. To start something that made me feel and remember those times that are so easily overlooked. How easy it is to just not feel, to let go of everything and self destruct. You don't mean to...but you do. To hurt the the people you love the most, not intentionally, but as a by-product of one's own emotional insecurities. It sucks. I am sometimes locked so deeply in my own emotional well being, I forget that other people feel too. Downward spiral, the battle of wills against myself. Strong-willed, but not strong enough just to let go, to move on and put myself in a better place, not a bitter place. That bitter place is a place I know well and deeply.

How often do we forget that we are not the center of the world...or the universe.

When the world we live in is based around everything that makes up a person...work, school, friends, family, it is all about perception and how much we can tolerate from others. Gibberish and everything that seems to make sense in the world--is always in the one moment of clarity. Time it does heal all wounds, and makes us forget the woes of the past, and yearn for the days that made us the most happy. --I think. It is almost to easy to forget to look at what we have in front of us, and not take it for granted. It's so damn easy just to not feel anything at all and go through life. We lose so much that way. But yet...we still go on.

I wake up every day and wonder what I have done with my life and if it was enough, but it will ever will be enough. I miss so very much, but yet at the same time I am thankful it's gone. What a paradox. Split mind. Yes.

I think I am so happy, but yet I am still unhappy. That is life. You are the only person that can make yourself happy. Truly happy. I wish I had all the answers...or at least some of them. No matter how many books I read, or people I know, there is only some questions that are really answered.

Bored.

Sitting here today, I realized, I am bored. Bored to tears over everyday mundane life details. I should be a happy as a clam. I built up to a life others wouldn't mind having, but selfish me...I'm bored! I am ready for some kind of bigger change, or closure to other details, ready for the constant drip that keeps falling out of the sky to stop.  Three different golf lessons have now been canceled, depressing. Maybe it's just the day, or the week, or leftover uncomfortableness from the weekend. All I know is I am bored. Uncomfortable about recent decisions I've made, and where on earth that is going to take me. Ugh, meh, with a side of blurg. Highlight of my week so far...watching Back to the Future 1,2 & 3 repeatedly. If only I could go back to the past. HA! Yoga and gym tonight, flexible and in shape before you know it. Alas, at least it's May and almost summer.