Terrible Fucking Tuesday...The worst day of the week.

One more day to add to the pile. Ha! One ball dropped...I think not, I think a few more added. Pouting and a tad pissy...I will survive, plays over and over again in my head.

Reasonably Unreasonable...and a little insane!

I started this blog to help me through a difficult time in my life and pour out all the left over things that float through my head. My current existence on this planet has proven to be somewhat of a challenge for me. I feel like a juggler with way to may balls in the air to keep going with this act. An act, this is what this is...it has to be. I normally feel confident, self-assured, and like one bad-ass bitch when it comes to getting tasks done that I set my mind too.--Lately...not so much. I'm stretched thin across the board, overloaded, stressed and wondering how I am even still standing. Getting a house ready, working full-time, working part-time on my eBay, setting up all my surgical appointments, getting ready to move, and still trying to fit friends in-- is almost impossible. It feels like a shell of me getting up and going through the motions. I dare say that an unfeeling robot Jen has taken over, and will remain there until things slow down. Oh, I'm putting a wedding shower together at work too (as if I have the time). It all for a greater cause though...I am going to happier after all of this...right?

Highlights...I have amazing friends and family that are helping with the house. A friend inviting me to dinner was a simple pleasure that kept me sane last night for a a few hours. Of course, I can't have a melt down in front of someone...they will know I'm human and feel way to much sometimes. Frustration and lack of manners of the people putting in the flooring might send me over the edge too. I have manners, I respect people who have manners, I tolerate those who don't, but when you start fucking with time tables, I can't always promise I will keep myself in check. Thus far, I have. I feel slightly insane though. Alas, I will continue with my act, and hope no one notices the melt down on the inside. At the very least Ikea was a relaxing adventure, and tonight I am taking the night off.

On a side note: I found in some of my friendships lately to value someone's honesty, openness, and thoughtfulness...not to mention manners. It made a small difference to me, and that's worth noting.

"I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."  Maya Angelou

Heart - Crazy On You

Mantra for the day

Remember this...

 
"Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could."

This is beautiful...it applies to so many things. I think of friendship more than anything else. 

Another point

"We need to give each other the space to grow, to be ourselves, to exercise our diversity. We need to give each other space so that we may both give and receive such beautiful things as ideas, openness, dignity, joy, healing, and inclusion."

Another mile marker passed today. One that was long on the horizon but seemed forever to reach. I am coming to a point in a journey that has been long awaited for a conclusion. This is a scary, horrifying, and nerve-racking adventure that  I am hoping will have the end results that I want. That being said...many thoughts occurred to me during this whole process, I need to dump out and sort through it...

Perfection seems to be something most people strive for, I am certainly no different. Much like the first bowls of porridge Goldilocks tired, life seems to play out in my own mind that things can be "perfect" in the manner that is close to what I am looking for, but never quite just right.  This used to drive me crazy...enter control freak mode, and learning to deal with the curve balls life throws at you. (not everything is perfect or going to be done your way) I used to stress out and get frustrated, now I can roll with just about anything, if I just have a moment to process the change going on. For me now, pefection in my own life is at least trying be the best I can, and if I fail, but I tried, I can live with that. There are ways I still learn everyday to cope with not being the best I can be all the time...but still have to realize,  I am only human (that is okay to be that way).  I  tend to look at life as a machine with each widget, gear, and cog playing it's parts to make the whole run smoothly. Stable environments, a home, family, friends, activities, job, and maybe someday a husband and kids (or maybe not) these are easy goals. Things I want and should be able to maintain and have. BUT...

Upon serious reflection on my own life. I am coming to terms with a number of unresolved issues, and trying to overcome major insecurities. This not something to tackle all at once...but it helps to think it over some. There are many forms of perfection. I started this writing thinking about looks, but found a little deeper meaning in thinking it over more and relating it to life.

"Love one another and help others to rise to the higher levels, simply by pouring out love. Love is infectious and the greatest healing energy."

Alison Krauss - When You Say Nothing At All

Making me think...

Did you know that those who appear to be very strong, often are the most sensitive?
Did you know that those who spend all their time taking care of others, can be the one that needs to be taken care of?
Did you know that the three things that are hardest to say are: I love you, I'm sorry, and Help me!
 

I saw this on a status on Facebook on Wednesday, and I wanted to remember it. It really struck a nerve...relating in some surprising fashions.

A little more self-discovery…and review (part 1)

The question. Will I ever be satisfied and content with everything I have? Simple and honest answer. No, I don’t really think so.  The journey of self-exploration has proved to be worth following. There is always an undying thirst for questions to be answered that is never quite quenched. Why such a strong desire to always explore? Search for more, search for everything I don’t have, never had, but yet, more searching for answers that I have already found.   Then the questions…Was the answer right? Will it ever be right? Was, is it, right for me? But what the fuck is right? Who gets to define what is right for me? Those thoughts are always circling through my brain. I have trouble keeping it straight. Continuing with experiences long enough to let them develop as part of me is a slight issue. The experiences that do stay with me, and have grown to be a continuous part of me, often surprise me. It’s when I stop and take a step back, that I realize just how splendid everything is. Why should I want to change that? Why should I run and try something else or make changes when something is working? I accept my mind does crave constant change; Darwin was on to something with adapting to survive. Could be up until the last recent year, I had to keep life in perpetual motion to survive through the last 28 years. That sounds so over-dramatic and ridiculous, even to me.  But, I may be on to something, I think. Pulling loose some of the strings in my memory, childhood was perfect until about ago of eight (at least my perception of perfect). Then progressively more difficult and emotionally challenging thereafter. To clarify I was never beaten, abused, or not loved. I don’t have a tragic Lifetime like story about overcoming huge obstacles and making it out a survivor. I had a roof over my head, food, clothing, friends, and a family who loved me. But there has always been something missing. A single word comes to mind. Acceptance (we shall come back to this point). 

After my parents’ divorce when I was ten, I came to accept my father didn’t even like me, wrote me off until I was an adult.  As I choose to live with my Mother after the divorce. That is a story for another time. I’ve worked out the “Daddy” issues, as they were. Compartmentalizing works wonders. 

 My mother, she is the one who raised me (when I wasn’t raising myself). She tried, but her standards and expectations are high. Very high. Fair, but tough. This made me work harder, learn what real responsibility was. She inherently ingrained high expectations me as a default, hardwired me to be completely independent and self-reliant.  Those are strong attributes to have in life, but it’s a curse at the same time. She was always there for me, but only during the instants she thought she should be for. I was the oldest. I heard the words “No”, and “Because I said so” more times than I can count.  Mostly for typical activities…sleepovers, dances, trips, social activities, sports, and small things that mean the world to a child or teenager. (I was thought this was so unfair, I never got to do anything, poor me…LOL) To be fair, my Mother was a single woman raising two kids on her own and had to work VERY hard to provide what we had. Time was a precious thing for her, still is. She didn’t have a lot of extra time to cart me around and indulge in everything I wanted to do. But that’s only half the picture. I got to do a lot, but I learned to work around the word “No”, and still do things. Mostly by running down every detail and making sure she wouldn’t be burdened with the carting around.  A lot of the time I still was told “No”, (not that I listened to it) but not all of the time. Again, to be fair I wasn’t an easy teenager, I didn’t do the normal negative social norms (i.e. drugs, sex, drinking, and other nonsense) I was more impulsive than anything. Constantly trying to beat the system, pick out the loopholes to make it work to my advantage. Again, I didn’t like the word “No”, so usually it was some intricate idea to do something simple. Covering all the bases I like to say. The experiences were simple enough, nothing that was going to hurt anyone (mostly just setting myself up to get grounded). At least I can admit that. I wish I would have made it easier on her, but it just didn’t happen. So from what I learned, was to try and not be a burden to people. I hated asking for help, it always appeared I was never getting it (sometimes which was true). Partly due to the fact that I was inpatient, impulsive and self-absorbed (really, I just couldn’t wait). Brings another wonderful trait to the surface, I’ve learned, as I have aged…Patience. I realized now, I learned that from her. She had the most amazing patience, even though I must have drove her crazy. Now, she drives me crazy (and I love her for it).

I come back to the word Acceptance. This is peer to peer acceptance, and true self-acceptance. To define..."Peer acceptance is measured by the quality rather than the quantity of a child or adolescent's relationships. While the number of friends varies among children and over time as a child develops, peer acceptance is often established as early as preschool. Factors such as physical attractiveness, cultural traits, and disabilities affect the level of peer acceptance, with a child's degree of social competence being the best predictor of peer acceptance. " During my childhood I was never part of the “In-crowd”, but nor was I a so called  "Outcast". I usually feel something in the middle. We moved around a lot when I was younger, and I never quite got my bearings in one place long enough to be comfortable. I always had friends and was well liked. Usually a sense of humor helped. I just never felt comfortable or secure in my own skin until I was an adult. I have NEVER been like anyone else. Period. I tend to stand out, even when I don’t want to (reasons for this tend to vary). During my elementary, middle-school, and high school years, I was teased. (A lot).  This provided a strong platform to never let my guard down, but always smile, never to let someone know they were getting to me. Being not very active in sports, band, clubs, or any other extracurricular activities in high school, I am sure I missed out on a quite a few experiences that would have helped this feeling, but alas (if you only knew then, what you know now)it’s too late now. I have found self-acceptance in the last ten years. More so after the last 12 months, it gives me a level of comfort not there before. A quest for self-reflection, self-discovery, and better idea of my own  psychology and how it can affect myself and others.  It all helps. It just takes time…

Metallica - Hero of the Day

Bryan Adams - Heaven

Struggle

I struggle to be that person, that image of a good person who always does the right thing. I don't. I am flawed. I am human. I do wrong. I do so much right that I feel it tries to over compensate for the person that I am inside. I can't always like everyone, every day, I just don't have it in me. I started this blog to help me heal, to grow, to remember. To start something that made me feel and remember those times that are so easily overlooked. How easy it is to just not feel, to let go of everything and self destruct. You don't mean to...but you do. To hurt the the people you love the most, not intentionally, but as a by-product of one's own emotional insecurities. It sucks. I am sometimes locked so deeply in my own emotional well being, I forget that other people feel too. Downward spiral, the battle of wills against myself. Strong-willed, but not strong enough just to let go, to move on and put myself in a better place, not a bitter place. That bitter place is a place I know well and deeply.

How often do we forget that we are not the center of the world...or the universe.

When the world we live in is based around everything that makes up a person...work, school, friends, family, it is all about perception and how much we can tolerate from others. Gibberish and everything that seems to make sense in the world--is always in the one moment of clarity. Time it does heal all wounds, and makes us forget the woes of the past, and yearn for the days that made us the most happy. --I think. It is almost to easy to forget to look at what we have in front of us, and not take it for granted. It's so damn easy just to not feel anything at all and go through life. We lose so much that way. But yet...we still go on.

I wake up every day and wonder what I have done with my life and if it was enough, but it will ever will be enough. I miss so very much, but yet at the same time I am thankful it's gone. What a paradox. Split mind. Yes.

I think I am so happy, but yet I am still unhappy. That is life. You are the only person that can make yourself happy. Truly happy. I wish I had all the answers...or at least some of them. No matter how many books I read, or people I know, there is only some questions that are really answered.

Bored.

Sitting here today, I realized, I am bored. Bored to tears over everyday mundane life details. I should be a happy as a clam. I built up to a life others wouldn't mind having, but selfish me...I'm bored! I am ready for some kind of bigger change, or closure to other details, ready for the constant drip that keeps falling out of the sky to stop.  Three different golf lessons have now been canceled, depressing. Maybe it's just the day, or the week, or leftover uncomfortableness from the weekend. All I know is I am bored. Uncomfortable about recent decisions I've made, and where on earth that is going to take me. Ugh, meh, with a side of blurg. Highlight of my week so far...watching Back to the Future 1,2 & 3 repeatedly. If only I could go back to the past. HA! Yoga and gym tonight, flexible and in shape before you know it. Alas, at least it's May and almost summer.

More favorite quotes...things not to forget.

"I believe opportunities that are given should be attempted, despite the outcome."-Me 

 “I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries”-Theodore Isaac Rubin

"Don't think or judge, just listen." 

“Nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.”-Oscar Wild

"No relationship is perfect, ever. There are always some ways you have to bend, to compromise, to give something up in order to gain something greater...The love we have for each other is bigger than these small differences. And that's the key. It's like a big pie chart, and the love in a relationship has to be the biggest piece. Love can make up for a lot." 

"I am coming to terms with the fact that loving someone requires a leap of faith, and that a soft landing is never guaranteed. " 

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”-Mahatma Gandhi

"Some things don't last forever, but some things do. Like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down on the corners and peering in close, hoping you still recognize the person you see there." 

“Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.”- C.S. Lewis

Frank Sinatra, My Way, With Lyrics