Five Finger Death-Punch Walk Away

I'm sorry,
for the demon I've become,
You should be sorry,
for the angel you are not,
I apologize,
for the cruel things that I did,
But I don't regret,
one single word I said,

Just walk away make it easy on yourself,
Just walk away please release me from this hell,
Just walk away there's just nothing left to feel,
Just walk away pretend that none of this is real,

Could you forgive me,
if I told you that I cared,
Would you be sorry,
if I swore that I'd be there,
Please forgive me,
for laughing when you fall,
I'm so sorry,
but I never cared at all,

Just walk away make it easy on yourself,
Just walk away please release me from this hell,
Just walk away there's just nothing left to feel,
Just walk away pretend that none of this is none of this is,

Just walk away make it easy on us both,
Just walk away there was never any hope,
Just walk away you already know the deal,
Just walk away pretend that none of this was ...none of this was real

Supermassive Black Hole (lyrics and Twilight videos)

Ooh, baby don't you know I suffer?
Oh, baby can you hear me moan?
You caught me under false pretenses
How long before you let me go?

Ooh, you set my soul alight
Ooh, you set my soul alight

Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive
(Ooh, you set my soul alight)
Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive
(Ooh, you set my soul)

I thought I was a fool for no one
But ooh, baby I'm a fool for you
You're the queen of the superficial
And how long before you tell the truth?

Ooh, you set my soul alight
Ooh, you set my soul alight

Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive
(Ooh, you set my soul alight)
Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive
(Ooh, you set my soul)

Supermassive black hole
Supermassive black hole
Supermassive black hole
Supermassive black hole

Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive
Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive

Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive
(Ooh, you set my soul alight)
Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive
(Ooh, you set my soul)

Supermassive black hole
Supermassive black hole
Supermassive black hole
Supermassive black hole

Moonlight Sonata

Sweet Sounds is a much needed thing morning. Stupid me, pokes myself in the eye with a hair brush, my ass still hurts, and I still feel a little sicker than I did either Saturday or Sunday. MEH

Life

I am wildly independent and very strong-willed. I believe in doing things for yourself and making something out of nothing. (Not that this applies to all areas of my life, nor do I hold anyone else to these same ideas and/or standards.) I am giving to a fault...I hear someone needs something, if I happen to have it, I will gladly part with it. After all it’s just stuff. I love to help people if I am able, and I do not need anything in return. Helping others seems to make me happy. (I still try and figure out why this is.) I have known many people to try and take advantage of this. I do not stand for it that is one of those angry buttons that is easy to push with me. Sometimes I tend to overdo things I take on, because I am capable of doing it well and that still surprises me. I thrive on my strengths and play on them. This scares some, motivates others, and there is a handful that just watches and wonders.
I heard more times this week that I am an Overachiever, more than I ever heard in my life. Actually, I have never heard that. I have been described as Determined, Motivated, Free Thinker, Intelligent, Independent…& a few others. Overachiever? Who me? Never.
Or am I? Turns out they might be right. I looked it up:
“Overachiever: one who achieves success over and above the standard or expected level especially at an early age. The labels are based on a static and incomplete understanding of the nature of intelligence. The ability to concentrate to work in a dedicated manner cannot be separated from a person's "native" or "raw" intelligence in any meaningfully testable way.”
I would not have pegged myself that way, but if I am going to do something, I hate to do it half way. So yeah, guess I am. Not such a bad thing, but still makes me cringe and/or twitch. It is still hard to hear positive and encouraging feedback about myself, a lesson still in the works there. What a big change from what I listened to for so many years. Makes me run for the psychology books even faster! That little hobby is something that has paid off in dealing with a mentally ill (straight crazy) person for nearly a decade. Looking for answers to questions about myself that end up leading more to answer to others reactions to things, and how to deal with them. Mind Fuck MUCH! So very glad that is over and done with! Although, this week added another chapter to what I thought was a finished tale.
It begins with a nice quiet couple of weeks of not hearing from him at all, then the email, quick phone call at work on Monday. Manage to make it to Wednesday afternoon before I had to think anything about it again. Standing in the bank after having to take the worlds latest lunch I'm playing with my droid…Facebook email comes in from a longtime friend (that was friends with both him and I). I knew he had been a good friend and reached out and let ****** stay with him recently, so I have been avoiding any type of contact as to avoid any issues. Well, this was the email of all emails for the day.
“I’m not trying to get you involved nor would I mention your name but ******* in a bad way right now, worse than ever…. he pulled his gun on me over making ****** leave the house i was letting him stay at then proceeded to pistol whip me and rob me.”
So well, just yeah. Standing in the middle of the bank I start to feel sick, of course I threw up. Panic attack much-- a little one. I proceed to leave work and started talking to this friend (to make sure he’s ok) and then hear the whole sordid story… which made me sick again. The basic facts are that people are being threatened and I am slightly in fear of my safety again. Great! Just what I need. So, by Friday after a couple more calls to the officer I have been talking too, I have grounds for a RO, because thankfully the friend called the police and had a police report. This is horrible for my friend (I might add the friend is ok) but shows he’s violent.
Downfall side note to Friday …it was a long day for the amount of time I was at work. I woke up that morning choking on my own coughs and feeling like a truck hit me, I cannot call off because the phones needed to STILL be covered and no one likes to do it (can’t blame them), so I worked half a day, then went to the doctor’s office. Well that was no picnic either, I ended up with three shots in the ass (quicker to feel better I am told) and getting blood drawn. MEH...all around.
I come home to foul emails from him, and I knew he called up to work before I had left. Last straw, after months of stupid harassment I called and had an officer come out and make another report. Only this time, they told me because of his earlier actions in the week, I will get what I need. So any phone calls, emails, or whatever else--he can be arrested for. Thanks goodness! Woo-hoo! There is going to be some sort of fall out when they serve him I know, but that strong willed person will deal. Probably buy another psych book, I still do not understand. Probably never will. People.

George Carlin Talks About "Stuff"

Things I have learned

I am never going to rule to world.

There are not midgets living under my bed.

I am never to be a great writer or poet.

I am very weird.

Caring is still ok to do. Being a good person is still a core attribute.

I am not that athletic, and hate to run. But I just might be ok in golf with practice. (lots of it)

There are people in this world who think I am something special.

Free Will is one of the greatest things out there.

Sometimes I talk way too much, and most things are best not said.(Even if I lose a pint of blood biting my tongue.)

I have some of the best friends anyone could ask for.

I can get up and go to work every morning, even for the “man”. I still like working for myself.

Music is and always has been an outlet for my deepest emotions. Even though I can’t play a note, sometimes it makes all the difference.

I can’t control everything. This was an important one.

The things I can control and be proactive on, to do. Not put everything off.

One day-- I will love someone, when I am ready.

I can hunt cows in the woods with a thermal imaging camera.

Faith No More Easy like sunday morning

Came across this in listening to a few tracks, love this song. The cover is great. After a week like this..well yeah. This is what I needed. Alas, I am hoping the candles, wine, and new book will just burn away the extra stuff running around in my mind. The workout tonight was not as intense and only did it a little to make me relax. No golf today though, can't do it everyday--don't want to get burnt out on it. I am having a good time with it, and really want to do more. One bigger step...more baby steps.